


Untethered Part 1: The Spark

by GardenSystem



Series: Untethered [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, F/F, Masturbation, Mental Health Issues, POV First Person, POV Lesbian Character, Secret Crush, Useless Lesbians
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:53:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 31,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24876487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GardenSystem/pseuds/GardenSystem
Summary: For a long time, I kept wondering why I still bothered going back there. Recently, however, I found a new reason: Jess. The things she makes me feel, at times it makes me feel guilty to handle such thoughts
Series: Untethered [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1800031
Comments: 6
Kudos: 12





	1. Her Eyes

For a long time, I kept wondering why I still bothered going back there. Recently, however, I found a new reason: Jess. Every Friday, I get to see her twice. I see her once I go into the clinic, and an hour later to plan next week's appointment.

Today was just a particularly nasty day, bad weather, horrible nightmares, and the bus going here was extra crowded. To top it all off, just as I entered the building, Jess leaves the front desk to fetch coffee for her co-worker. I confirm with the older woman, who usually only tends the telephone that I'm here and on time for my appointment, and find myself a place to sit in the corner of the waiting room. Jess eventually returns to the front desk, like always a light, cheerful swing in her step. Her co-worker takes the cup of coffee and goes back to ignoring everyone in the waiting. Jess, however, takes a quick sip of her teacup before tending to her own work.

I catch myself staring. Her light brown hair in a ponytail, her green eyes switching between the computer screen she uses to track all the appointments, and the doors of the waiting room. Eventually, someone walks out of one of the rooms and heads to the front desk. I hear her voice, always so warm and welcoming, arranging the new appointment for whatever poor sod she is talking to. I let myself get lost in the moment, staring at her, knowing I'm too low below her notice for her to ever be aware. Every so often I get self-conscious of what I'm doing and begin turning to look away, but then something makes her smile brightly and my eyes are fixed to her again.

[You know, staring at girls that barely know you won't get you a date, right?] 

I close my eyes, trying to shake my head to push the thoughts away. Is that, truly what I'm after?

[Why don't you just try talking to her?]

I can't really do that, can I? Am I even allowed to do that with someone who works here?

[If you won't talk to her, then why stare?]

I try to ignore the thoughts as much as I can. Scanning my eyes over the various informational flyers on the wall. Each one of them is on a different mental health topic, depression, borderline, self-harm, I have to look away, some of them feel a bit too personal for me to distract myself with.

"Demi?"

It's a familiar voice calling me. I lift myself off the chair and turn to face the origin of it. When I first imagined having a psychologist, I expected it would be some old guy, completely detached from the kind of life I live. The type to make me sit in a chair for an hour, make me do useless tests, and then tell me to leave once the time is up. But this woman, Maria, actually seems to understand a bit of what I'm going through, and genuinely wants to help. If only I didn't make doing that impossible for her. I follow her into the small office. The same routine as every time starts.

"Can I get you something to drink?"

"No thanks," I shake my head and move to my usual seat. She closes the door and moves to hers, opposite of me. The files she keeps on me are already laying on the table, she takes a fresh piece of paper, putting it on her clipboard and resting it against her raised knee. She writes a little bit and then looks at me.

"So, how are you doing today?"

"I'm alright," my usual answer. By now she realises it's just a deflection, so I find something meaningless to add on to it, so she doesn't instantly question it deeper.

"Just a bit stressed, the bus was quite crowded this morning."

She takes a few quick notes and hums at my words.

"Last week, I gave you some exercises to help you deal with your intrusive thoughts. Have you practised them?"

"I did." Not as much as she suggested, but any practise is still practise, right?

"And how did they work out for you?"

I let out a light sigh, looking for an answer.

"No, not really. I still feel like… it's always there." I look down at my hands and pick at them a bit, playing with my own fingers nervously.

For about half an hour, he goes over her questions, trying to find ways to help me. I know she means well, but I don't think I'm the type of case that can be helped. I move through the questions, never really needing to think about the answers.

[You know you can tell her more about me right?]

Luckily, I manage not to flinch, I manage not to let Maria see me get caught off guard.

"Is there anything more you want to share before we finish up for today?"

I look up at Maria, the first question I really need to ponder.

[You need to tell her. You know I'm more than just a thought.]

I shake my head and look at the psychologist.

"No, I think that's everything. We went over everything," I wait for her to confirm it, and once she says we are done for the week. I get up and head for the door.

[You know that you won't ever get any better this way, right?]

I shake the thoughts away and head out the door.

"Ah, I was almost afraid you missed your appointment today." My heart freezes, my eyes that were glued to the ground shoot up to look at those green eyes I always admired from afar. 

"Yeah, you were just out for a bit when I came in. You only just missed me."

Is she talking to me? Why is she talking to me, did I do something wrong?

"Ah, well that's a shame." What does she mean with that? I try to find a way to respond but can't get a word out before she continues.

"I hope your appointment went well, want me to plan you in for next week, same day same time?" Did she really remember that? She must be way better at her job than I imagined if she can remember such details of everyone coming through here.

"Uhm, yeah, next week Friday, around 1 if possible,” I say the time anyway, even though I know she can see it in the system. I watch her nod, looking into the system quickly.

"Yes no problem, I'll write you down right away." She grabs a small piece of paper from the stack next to the computer. In her fancy handwriting, she writes my appointment and the time like always. 

"Well, I hope to see you next week, and enjoy your weekend!" Did she just smile? It looked so sweet as she handed me the piece of paper. I take it sheepishly and slide it into the back pockets of my jeans.

"Thanks, I'm sure I'll be fine."

I realise I must look like an idiot, but the image of her smile coloured a large blush on my face.

[Why don't you ask her? You know you want to.]

"So uhm, I'll be going now." I take a step back from the counter and give her a quick wave.

I'm mentally slapping myself as I get into the bus. I quickly pay for the fare and find a place to sit in the back, hoping to avoid the commuters.

[Why don't you tell her?]

I try to avoid the thoughts popping into my head. 'They are just intrusive thoughts, nothing to take seriously,' I try to tell myself.

[She likes you too, ignoring her like this won't help either of you.]

I look over the commuters, I must seem crazy to any secret mind readers in the bus. But nobody seems to care about me, all the way in the back, just the way I like it.

'She doesn't like me, why would she?' I know I shouldn't engage those thoughts, but I feel a need to respond with something. Making sure I'm just soft enough nobody can hear me.

[Of course, she did, you saw the way she looked at you, you saw the way she smiled!]

My mind instantly dashes back to her eyes staring at me. I can see myself standing like a deer caught in the headlights of a car when she looks at me. But she didn't just look in my direction, she looked me straight in the eye, she looked at me, she wanted to see me.

[See, that's what you want, isn't it?]

I try and turn away, but the image follows me wherever I look. I see her lips curl up into a bright smile, and my heart stops for just a second. I try to shake my head, she isn't even here, I'm just imagining her. I feel guilty, like a freak. She doesn't even know me and I'm fantasizing over her like some horny teenager.

"I hope to see you next week" the words echo in my head. She still smiles at me, her eyes looking me over like she is a predator and I am her prey. I try to shake the idea of but I already feel my body responding to my own fantasy.

I try and seek a distraction. I dig into my pockets, and I find the small note she made of the appointment. I pull it out again as if it will somehow give me an answer. I secretly hope it has a large letter attached, with her telling me she wants me to stop creeping on her. But all it says is the date and time of my next appointment but with a small heart over the I in Friday. 

'Does she always do that? Surely that's just a thing she always does, right?'

[We would have noticed before if she always did.]

I try and shake the thoughts but I'm suddenly left thinking if it could be done intentionally, to send me a message, but why?

Suddenly, I hear the electronic ping the bus lets off, informing me that we have arrived at my stop. I quickly pull my purse close to me and walk out of the bus, hoping the small stain that's beginning to form isn't visible on my jeans.

I stare up at the ceiling of my tiny, one-room apartment. The comfort of my large mattress is the only thing preventing me from falling through the floor in shame.

"Uuugh, I'm such a creep," I sigh. Thinking of the way I couldn't control my own fantasies. What kind of creep begins fantasizing about a girl they barely know in the middle of a bus. What kind of creep gets turned on by it?

"I don't even know if she is into girls. What would she do if she knew I was being such a creep about her?" I keep talking, not expecting an answer, I'm alone anyway, there's no one to help me out with this.

[You're not being a creep, you just have a crush.] I hear the voice creep into my head again. I try and close my eyes, pulling up a pillow to cover my own face.

[You know that won't shut me up. Demi, you're a pretty young girl too, you just need to talk to her!]

I let out an annoyed groan. Putting the pillow away. Shutting these 'intrusive thoughts' out isn't working. But maybe it can give me someone to talk to. Even if it is myself.

"I don't even know if she is gay. Let alone if she is out of the closet. It's best I leave her alone." As I talk about her, I can see her image in my mind again. She looks me over, from top to bottom, but unlike other people, keeps looking at me. I freeze up at just the thought.

"Jess..." the word escapes my lip. I don't even remember how I know her name, but ever since I heard it, it's been stuck into my brain. And I'll never forget it again.

"Demi..." I hear in my head. Have I ever heard her say my name before? I don't know. But even though all of this is a fantasy, my body responds.

I feel my nipples poking through the fabric of my bra and shirt, and by now I am sure that the small stain in my panties turned into a lake.

I try one last desperate time to push the image of Jess out of my head, but she is still there. And the voice from earlier is finally gone. Maybe this is okay, I'm all alone anyway.

Just the thoughts start to heat up my body. What if she was here for real, Seeing me like this? She would probably run away or attack me with pepper-spray. But this fantasy version of her doesn't do anything like that, she just stares at me. I feel her eyes move over my body. Despite how compromising my situation is, a deeper part inside of me wants her to see me like this.

The heat keeps building up, and I can't take much more. I move to undo my grey shirt, crumpling up and tossing it aside, the cool air from the slightly open window hits my stomach. 'should I close it?' I think for a second 'no, I'll just stay silent, I’m 3 floors up anyway, nobody will hear'

I rub my own hand over my stomach, imagining it's her doing it. I raise it up, cupping my own chest with my left hand, feeling the breast a bit through the bra as my other hand slowly slides further and further down my stomach until it hits the edge of my pants.

I think of the fact I can still stop. I still feel guilty over doing this while thinking of some girl that barely knows me. But I can't stop myself, and she will never find out, it will never hurt her.

My hand slides inside my jeans, feeling the insides. The situation is not as bad as I thought, there are still some dry edges to my panties. But I'm too far turned on by the situation to remove them. My fingers slowly press into the soft, by now damp fabric in search of my own clit, running the tips of my fingers over it with a circular motion. Going back isn't a choice anymore, I need to do this.

In my head, I imagine it's her hands doing this to me. Tightening the grip onto my breast as I feel two fingers slide inside my panties and entering myself in one smooth moment. Before I can realise it, a moan escapes my lips, and I let it float through the room.

"Demi..." I hear echoing through my head again. I can imagine what it would sound like, in such a situation. With her pressing against me while she feels up my body like it's her property. But for now, I have to make do with fantasy.

"Jess..." I let out with a raspy breath. My own fingers moving in and out of me slowly. By now I'm so wet, I can move through myself unrestricted. I close my eyes, embracing the darkness. Focussing only on the feeling and imagining for once, I'm not the one doing it to myself.

"More… please..." I let out just as I speed up my own fingers, letting my body rock a bit as I tightly squeeze my own breast, I pull the bra down a bit so my breast and hard nipple lay exposed. I clench it between two fingers and gently play with it while my other hand plays with my insides.

I don't need very long, I never really did. But with all the fantasies running through my head. The excitement of it all. The feeling of what I'm doing being a bit wrong. They only make the process go faster. I feel my body shake more and more as my own moans get more and more breathy.

"Demi, you know what I want you to do," at hearing those words. Even if they are just imagined, I lose it. My body shakes more and more as I feel my own opening tighten around my fingers before my entire body releases. I feel the wave of pleasure overtake my body. Like a tidal wave hitting my body and dragging me away into the ocean. 

All of my body feels filled with pleasure as I drag my fingers out of myself. By now properly soaked and stained by my own actions. I open my eyes again to look at the empty room I am alone in. I let out a sigh, and I close my eyes again. Riding out the high of my own orgasm for a little while longer. A single word is on my lips, I hold it for a bit before finally letting it out and letting myself drift to sleep.

"Jess..."


	2. My Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Demi has to face a new day, Her friend Sophie tries to get her out of her apartment for her own good, and Avelyn makes a surprise appearance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to quickly put up a warning for anyone about to read this text.  
> This chapter is meant to show a low point for Demi's mental health and gets very dark. There are a few content warnings attached  
> -references to severe trauma.   
> -multiple references to scars and abuse  
> -self-harm

I don't know exactly how I ended up here, but I am more than happy with the situation. Jess, the girl of my dreams, laying here in bed with me. I feel her hand gently run over my naked back, some beads of my sweat still running down it. My body is pressed against hers as she holds me. 

"Hmm, Demi, did you enjoy that?" Her words catch me off guard but I smile as I look up at her

"Yeah, it was... magical" I take a second to find the right word. I’m not even sure ‘Magical’ quite cuts it.

"Good, I'm happy to hear it baby" she leans down and uses her free hand to tilt my head lightly, pressing a soft kiss against my lips. I try to hold on to the moment as much as I can, but I can't shake the feeling that something isn't quite right. I let out a soft whine when Jess pulls away from the kiss, I want more, I always want more of her, but I never knew how to tell her that.

"Jess… I want to hold you like this forever," my voice is a bit muffled as I bury my head in the crook of her neck as she lets out a light chuckle.

"Good girl, that sounds so lovely, but we will have to get up eventually," my cheeks turn a bright red at the way she refers to me, but I try to ignore that feeling.

"I won't, I'll just live in bed with you. Just like this," I hold onto her tightly, as if I am afraid she will suddenly disappear any moment.

"That sounds lovely Demi but… what will you do when you wake up?" the words sound confusing at first. But what she says breaks through. I feel the world fall apart around me. I do what I can to hold on to the feeling, holding on to having this beautiful moment with Jess. But no matter what I do, I wake up anyway.

"Jess…" it was the last word to escape my lips when I fell asleep, and the first word to cross my lips when I wake up.

My legs feel weak, and my chest is heaving. I try to look around the bed, but she isn't there. I'm all alone in the large bed, again. I stare at the ceiling and think about what happened. My fantasies last night, me giving in to them, my dream afterwards. The open window lets a gust of cold air in, and I feel it rush over my exposed stomach. I look over to where I tossed away the crumpled up grey shirt. The more I remembered what I did, the more ashamed I get. I feel the large stain in my underwear that has seeped through to my jeans. I let out a deep sigh and lift myself off my bed, noticing how much of a mess it was due to my activities.

I run my hand through my messy hair as I look around. It must be quite late by now, it looks dark out the window. My eyes scan across the room, dirty food plates and tossed aside letters cover my barely used desk. Stacks of filthy clothes I have to wash on the floor. "I need to clean soon," I groan, seeing how messy the floor is. I let myself fall back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling "I'll do it tomorrow," I try to think of what to do, it's getting quite late but since I only just woke up I'm too awake to sleep more. Eventually, I'm reminded of the mess I made between my own legs, and the shame builds back up again.

I push myself back on my feet and drag myself to the tiny bathroom of my apartment. I find the light switch in the dark, shielding my eyes a bit as the ceiling light switches on. I stumble to the small sink and look in the mirror. The scars on my arms are quite clearly visible, they remind me of the scars I have on my back. Just thinking of them reminds me of how they got there, reminds me of the pain inflicted on me. As I feel the memories flood back, I slap my own face, attempting to stop my brain "Demi… you're safe, they can't get to you here… they can't find you," I never put much stock behind those words, but I just wanted the thoughts to stop for now. I let out another sigh as I turned to the shower, turning it on and letting the water get warm as I undid what was left of my clothing, noting how messy I made them before tossing them aside. 

A while later, I step out of the shower. A towel wrapped around my body as I let myself dry off. My apartment is small, aside from the bathroom, it's all in one room, my bed, kitchen unit, desk and closet crammed in a tiny square room. The still open window makes the room feel cold, a shiver crawls up my spine as I walk through to my closet. I pull out a simple outfit. A new pair of panties and a large oversized shirt. I'm all alone anyway, and I don't expect to go out tomorrow, so there's no need for me to put on a bra. I let the towel slide off, groaning a bit as I feel it slide over the scars on my back. I close my eyes, hating the reminder of what I endured. I quickly throw the large shirt on, with the long sleeves and loose fit on my back, I can keep my scars covered without having to worry about being reminded of them. I calmly slide the panties on, luckily I'm not wet anymore, so I don't have to worry about staining them too much. I crawl back in the bed and grab one of the books I have on my nightstand, letting myself get lost in the story to ignore everything else happening around me.

I don't remember exactly when I fell asleep, but eventually, I wake up. The book still open and laying upside down at my side. I rub my eyes as I feel the bright sunlight shine through the window and right in my eyes. I turn my back to the window to give my eyes a bit of a rest as I let my body slowly wake up. No nightmares, good, I think they are becoming less common. I eventually manage to push myself off the bed and on my feet. I let out a yawn as I stumble to the small kitchen unit, grabbing a clean bowl, the last one in my cabinet, and pour some cereal in it. I check the fridge for milk and… ran out of milk, of course, I did. I sigh and close the fridge, taking the bowl of dry cereal and deciding to just eat it like this. I sit on the bed and cross my legs, pulling the old laptop and putting it in front of me. Since I don't have much to do today anyway, I just watch some random videos online while I eat my barely acceptable breakfast.

I lost count of the hours that passed, the now-empty breakfast bowl laying next to me in bed as I sit hunched over my laptop. I just put on whatever I can come across online, just trying to get through the day. But eventually, my browsing is interrupted by the electronic doorbell of my apartment buzzing. I let out an annoyed groan as I put my laptop aside and walk over to the small intercom system.

“Who’s there?” I snarl as I press my thumb against the small button.

“Demi!” an overly excited voice calls out from the other side “Demi, it’s a beautiful day out, come on, let’s go shopping”

I release the button just long enough to let out an exhausted groan. Sophie, closest I ever had to a friend. Normally I wouldn’t mind spending some time with her since she’s basically the only other human I ever spend time with, but I feel like such a mess today I’m unsure if I can handle her right now.

“Sophie, I…”: I try to find the words, I don’t want to blow her off, but I also don’t know if I’m even a good person to spend time with when I’m in such a shitty mood.

“Demi… I know what you’re gonna say. Just, let me inside at least. We can discuss what it is we want to do today in person rather than through this stupid thing.” I let out a sigh before pressing the button to unlock the doors downstairs. I hear Sophie let out an excited squeal through the intercom before it cuts off and leaves me in silence again. I quickly toss on a pair of jeans to make myself seem a bit more presentable and quickly check if my sleeves cover my wrists fully, she doesn’t know I have new scars after all.

Like always, Sophie is a big ball of energy and enthusiasm. I swear each time her hair gets a little bit more blonde, I wonder how long she’ll have any left with how often she gets it bleached. Her cute outfit of a pink short skirt with a matching top put my simple red t-shirt and dark grey jeans to shame, but she barely even seems to have noticed the state I’m in, instead, she is looking at the state of my apartment. While she talks excitedly about her plans for today, she puts my plates in the sink and stacks my letters. I always felt bad at the way she would pick up these chores when she came over, but no amount of protesting could ever get her to stop.

“So, how does that sound? I’d love to introduce you to them!” her words had sailed right past me all this time, and I quickly turn to face her.

“I Uhm… yeah sure, that sounds lovely,” I say, slightly unsure about what it is I’m agreeing to this time, I just want to get out of the apartment, some fresh air might even do me good. Sophie seems satisfied with my answer, although I’d expect her to be able to tell when I lie by now. I quickly grab my purse and make sure I put everything in it, keys, phone, wallet with the little bit of spending money I have left from my last paycheck. I take a deep sigh once I have everything and head out of the apartment with Sophie, locking up behind me and heading out of the building to Sophie’s car.

Like always, I struggle to find the right words to say during the drive over, I never really had great people’s skills. I decide to stay quiet, it’s probably best Sophie focusses on the road instead of me anyway. She eventually pulls up to the parking lot of a nearby shopping mall. Some day in the past this might have been super busy, but nowadays only a few people go in there a day, I’m mostly shocked it hasn’t been forced to close yet. As we get out of the tiny car, I try to be a bit more social, trying to find a good topic to talk about.

“So uh, new car huh? What happened to your mother’s old tin-can?” I say while pointing at the small, light blue car, 

“Oh, mom’s car is still fine, But I got paid from my internship, and with a small chunk of my savings, I could afford to get my own car” Sophie smiles proudly, “Speaking off, how is your job going?” I freeze a bit at the question and nervously reach over to rub my own neck

“Well I… I got fired… again,” I say with a sigh, I can tell Sophie is about to burst out with questions but I respond before she can say anything. “One too many outburst… They said it was mutually better to let me go and find someone else for the job,” I groan a bit annoyed, I have lost count of how often I got fired this way.

“Well, they can’t do that, you need to sue them or something!” I can’t help but chuckle at Sophie’s optimism, but I know the reality of the situation better than her. 

“Sophie, the world doesn’t work like that. Even if I could afford a lawyer, it would be near impossible to make my case… best shot I have is to hope to find something else that can cover my bills for another month,” I walk ahead of Sophie towards the shopping mall, unsure what exactly she wants to pick up, but hoping her love for shopping puts an end to the topic.

“Why don’t you ask your parents for-” before she can finish her sentence, I cut her off with balled fists.

“They aren’t my parents. All they ever did was send me to a clinic and see me every other weekend” I know my words are maybe a bit too harsh, but she knew how strong my opinions are on the topic of my parents.

“Right well, I just mean… Demi, they are your  _ adopted _ parents still, they have to help you out,” I know she means well,  but I can’t help myself, it all slips out suddenly.

“They only see me as some pity project. Acting all high and mighty because they adopted some damaged, abused kid” I try to hide the tears swelling up, why does Sophie have to push so much. I feel a hand suddenly only my shoulder, and I freeze up.

“Demi, you know they love-” She gets cut off by me walking away from her, entering the mall.

“Whatever, let’s just drop it, for now, okay?”

Sophie moved on from the topic quite quickly, telling me all about a party she intends to go to soon. She keeps insisting I come too. On one hand, attending a party does sound nice, but can I really handle going to one without having another meltdown and causing a scene. But Sophie seems convinced I can handle it, is she right, or is she just overconfident? My thought process gets interrupted as Sophie holds up a dress to show me.

"Here, this should fit you, and it would look pretty nice on you," I don't need to look at it for long, immediately noticing I can't wear it.

"Sophie, it has an open back… and short sleeves," I try not to explain why that's an issue, luckily she seems to understand as she quickly puts it away.

"Right, right. Well, how about a different one, I saw a similar one that has the back covered if you prefer that," she tries to stay cheerful, but I can tell she is worried about me.

"I mean, do I really need a dress? Can't I just go in my usual clothing?" I haven't worn a dress since childhood, and it always felt too formal to me. You wear a dress to have people notice you, I don't like being noticed by people, with maybe one recent exception.

"Hmm, would you prefer a suit then?" Sophie asks curiously. I quickly shake my head.

"No, I wore one for a job interview once, and I hated it," I sigh a bit and look at the dress she is holding up now. 

"Fine, I'll wear a dress for this party. But I swear, if you try and get me to hook up with a random boy, again, I will never again go to a party with you!" I say a bit harshly, but I never told her that I have feelings for girls, so it's difficult to explain to her why I hate her attempts at getting me to date boys.

"I won't, I won't. Although I heard there will be some real cuties there," her voice trails off and I know what she is trying to imply.

"Sophie, even if you picked someone… applicable," I struggle to find a good word, but settle on applicable. "I don't think I'm in a good position to date anyone right now. I want to work on myself first."

"Alright, alright," Sophie mumbles a bit as she gets an outfit together. It's a simple dress and a pair of gloves that reach to the elbow. "How about a deal, I won't set you up with anyone, if you try out this dress, right now," she smirks at me as I roll my eyes.

"Fine, fine, you got a deal," I take the dress and gloves, getting in a changing room. I keep my back turned to the mirror in the changing room and make sure the dress properly covers my back. Luckily the gloves also cover the scars on my wrists well. When I am sure all of my scars are covered, I brush the curtain aside and let Sophie see me, modelling the dress a bit "I feel… ridiculous" 

"Demi, no, it looks amazing on you. Trust me, I got an eye for fashion," I consider arguing, but I realise there is barely a point "alright. Fine, I guess I'll buy it then, but I won't promise I will go to the party, okay?"

"Fine fine, and I'll pay for it, go get changed back quickly. My friends are meeting up nearby and I want to introduce you to them" I reluctantly agree, not having much of a choice anyway, I know Sophie won't accept me arguing anyway. I quickly get changed back and follow Sophie as she goes to pay for the clothes and leads the way to her friends.

"Sophie" a voice yells out as we approach the terrace of a small cafe in the mall. Sophie dashes ahead of me to her friends as I walk behind her, my hands in my pockets. As I approach the group, I notice them eye me, Sophie quickly introduces everyone to me, but I immediately forget everyone's name.

The person on the left of the group sits a bit hunched over her laptop, her shirt with a wolf print scrunching up a bit, seemingly halfway in the process of reading something. She looks up quickly to give me a wave, then turns back to whatever she was reading, the turquoise dyed tips of her brown hair in front of her face but she doesn't seem to notice.

Next to her, someone a bit shorter. Short black hair under a grey cap with a simple, black and white striped shirt. They have a sketchbook in front of them they were doodling in, even from this angle, the doodles look quite good, I wonder if they draw more. The notice me looking at the doodles and flash a quick smile up at me. 

The girl next to them is definitely the strongest of the group. Big, strong arms and somewhat messy blonde hair. I'm almost convinced she'd be able to bench press me. She seems to be absent-mindedly tapping a rhythm on the table, my eyes fall on the shirt she's wearing. It seems to be of some kind of band, but I must admit I never heard of the group before, not that that's saying much.

And the last of the group. Tall but slender, she seems the most attentive of the group and was the first to notice me and Sophie approach. She has shorter sleek hair, and was writing some stuff down in a small little notepad she put away in the pocket of her suit-like outfit.

"Group, this is Demi, we've been best friends since the cl-"

"High school, we've been friends since high school," I prod Sophie in the side as I sit down at the table. She gets the hint and sits down next to me.

"She didn't make it again?" Sophie asks the group. I have no idea who 'she' is meant to be, but decide it's best not to pry. The others seem to know who Sophie means though.

"She told us, visiting family, every weekend," the person to the right of me answers, with the girl next to her following it up.

"Just wait until internships are over, we'll have the gang complete by then," I try to follow along, for the most part, I'm just glad I can stay out of the conversation. I can't say something to mess up everyone's day if I say nothing.

"Speaking of," the doodler looks up, gesturing at me with the tip of their cap "you coming to the party too? It would be nice to have another friend of Sophie along," I am a bit unsure how to respond. Biting my lip for a second before nodding.

"I um, that was the plan. Although I'm not the best with parties, so I probably won't stick around long," I answer truthfully, second-guessing and doubting each of my words. Sophie quickly saves me and takes over for me. Chattering happily and excited about the dress we bought, I let her speak for a bit, saves me from having to say anything myself. Eventually, a large can of coffee is brought to the table by a waitress, in order to make myself seem useful, I pour a cup for everyone.

"She is so picky though, it has to look good and not too stuffy, but she also needs her back and arms covered," I groan a bit at what Sophie says but try and play it off as just a little joke. I am just about halfway pouring a cup for the silent one of the group, the girl looking at her laptop when she suddenly speaks up.

"Really? Need to keep your arms covered? And your back? What are you hiding, is it an embarrassing tattoo?" she seems almost excited at the idea, but I'm more shocked. I feel the hot coffee run over my hand, in my shock I stopped paying attention and poured too much in the cup. Reflexively I pull my hand back, knocking the full cup over in the process.

Both the silent girl and the artist quickly scramble to get their stuff off the table as the black liquid spreads over the tabletop. I look on at my actions in shock as the blonde girl quickly tried to use the napkins on the table to stop the coffee streaming over the table. I feel a sudden hand on my right shoulder, the girl sitting there seemed worried about what had happened and tried reaching out to reassure me. 

"Demi, are you okay?" the suddenness of it combined with the shock overwhelm me as I quickly slap her arm out of the way.

"Don't touch me!" I yell out suddenly before leaping backwards, knocking over my chair in the process. I see the group look at me concerned, and the others around us glaring at me for my sudden outburst. 

"I-i should go," is the only thing I manage to let out as I quickly grab my purse and begin walking away. I notice Sophie getting up to try and stop me, but as soon as I have a small distance from the group I quickly turn and start running out. I know Sophie is likely running after me. I know neither of us is particularly athletic, but I don't want her following me, I dash around random corners, hoping she'll give up when she loses sight of me. I don't really care for the bag of clothes I left behind, I just want to get out of here as soon as possible.

I don't know exactly how I got home, but I somehow managed to get on a bus and get to the central station, in a constant state of panic and trying to find out how to get home, constantly slapping myself mentally for running away like that, I eventually find the bus that always takes me from the psychologist to my apartment. I get on and pay for the fare, the first half of the trip is nerve-wracking for me, I don't recognise the route and have no way of being certain I took the right bus. Eventually, I pass the psychologists office and am relieved to notice it is indeed the right bus. 

'Damnit Demi, why did you have such a freakout over something so minor' I think to myself, sighing a bit. Part of me expects the voice all of my intrusive thoughts come in to speak up and spew some bullshit to try and pass the blame on something else, but I'm relieved to notice the intrusive thoughts stay away.

Eventually, the bus reaches my stop and I stumble my way out of the bus and into my apartment. The smell is the first thing I notice when I enter it. My dirty laundry the dirty bed, the food remains and the fact I haven't cleaned in weeks all build-up to create a smell that overwhelms me when I enter the apartment. I let myself fall on the bed and groan "can't do anything right, can I?"

I don't really expect an answer, but now that I'm suddenly home and no longer stressing about how to get home, all of the emotions and stress of what had happened builds up. Me not knowing how to handle being asked about my arms and back, me freaking out about it, ruining the day for everyone. I cover my face and let out another groan. I'd like to think it's just one incident, but it's always been like this. There is always something to remind me of what dad did, of what happened to mom, someone prying just too much about the scars on my back, or noticing the ones I made myself on my wrists. I feel tears build up in my eyes, I sigh, too many memories building up. Back at the crisis clinic, me getting Sophie in trouble constantly. Me running away from home when my adopted mom noticed me in the bathroom with a razor blade and a bloody wrist. I try to be better than I used to be, but I always was this much of a mess. I never had any control over myself and I never will. I can't hold a job without something triggering my panic and me throwing the closest thing I have across the room, I can't get an education without me freaking out halfway the semester and me being unable to attend classes for a week. I stumble to my feet. I feel like more and more of a mess, by now I'm bawling my eyes out. What must Sophie think of me, constantly fucking up? What would my mom think if she was still alive, would she be able to pretend she's proud about me? What would Jess… the thought catches me off guard. I cry more, I can't handle it anymore, I stand up from my bed, pacing around my room in an emotional panic. Eventually, I find myself stumbling into the bathroom as if it's instinct guiding me here like I used to do when I felt like this.

I find myself in front of the sink. The old razor I use for my legs already in my hand. I should have thrown this away, It’s not like I ever wear anything short anyway, nor do I ever really shave. I only kept it as a temptation. I look at the razor balanced in my open hand, it's been about a month, I shouldn't give that up, lasting a month is the closest thing to an achievement I feel I have. I feel as if a distant part of myself is trying to tell me to stop, but I drown it out. Is there really anything worth not doing it for? Sophie? She probably sees me as nothing but a mess, helping me out of pity. My adopted parents? When did I care about them, or they about me? I sigh, there is only one other name on my mind, but I'm scared to even think about it. Jess, what would she think? The thoughts get too overwhelming, I don't even notice that I tightened the grip on the razor, rolled up my sleeve and pressing the blade against my skin. I try to hold back, I try to reason with myself. 'Jess, she wouldn't want me to do this. I shouldn't do this, I shouldn't' my thoughts race back and forth, conflict and despair building inside me 'would she care? I'm just a freak. A crazy freak she barely even knows, she's better off without me' before I can finish my thoughts, I realise I lost my control, the stinging pain of the cut on my arm, the blood slowly seeping out, and the painkillers my body makes numbing my entire body. I look at my own wrist in shock, realising I made a mistake before my mind grows blank. And I black-out.

Everything feels different when I wake up. I feel dizzy and disoriented. The soft mattress of my bed underneath me, but cleaner than before. The sheets were changed. I question how that could have happened, before realising my entire room is cleaned. I look around "Sophie? How did you get in here?" I call out, unable to hide the fear in my voice. But there is no response. "Sophie?" I call out again before getting up, my eyes catching the white with slight red stains on my arms, somehow my arm got bandaged. I know for certain I didn't do any of this, I never could bandage myself up so well in the first place. I try to look around the apartment, checking every corner but I can clearly see there is no one there. Eventually, I notice something on the desk. A small sketchbook that had some sketches in it. Nowhere as good as the doodles of the artist at the café, but still impressive, more impressive than I could draw. Next to the sketches is a note. I grab it to read it, getting shocked and somewhat scared as I read it.

"You passed out after you cut yourself, be careful with the bandage, it will need to be replaced when it gets too dirty. I also took the liberty to clean up, since I know you won't do it yourself. Please make sure you take care of yourself more in future, love Avelyn.

P.S. you need to get groceries soon and don't forget fresh milk."

I scan over the letter a few times, confusing myself more and more with each time I read it

Who? Who the hell is Avelyn?


	3. My heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Demi comes to confront the secrets of her heart, forced to face her feelings for Jess and what they truly mean for her, while Avelyn tries to reach out and make herself known. But what will happen when Jess has bad news for Demi?

I let out a deep sigh of relief as I gaze at the stars in the clear, open sky. Letting myself get lost in the moment for a while, letting the beauty of the stars mix with the happiness I feel from the girl next to me.

"Demi, what's on your mind?" I hear coming from her. I tilt my head to look over at her, taking in her details. Her brown hair, in a tight ponytail like always, a smile forming on her lips, and that beautiful pair of green eyes staring right at me.

"Oh, um. Nothing. I was just thinking of how beautiful the stars are," I respond, my voice a bit raspy, still barely believing the situation.

"Hmm, I was thinking something similar, except I wasn't looking at the stars," she gently puts a hand on my cheek, causing me to blush intensely as I lock my eyes with her, feeling unable to look away.

"W-what were you thinking of then?" I try to hide how shy I am, but I can tell by her smile that it's not working.

"Silly, I was thinking of you, of course," she says it so calmly, so matter of factly. As if it isn't even a weird thing to consider me beautiful.

"Jess, I…" I stumble for words for a bit, the blush on my face only growing more intense. "You're very beautiful too, I've never seen someone as beautiful as you before."

She doesn't even say a word in response, instead, she just leans closer to me and presses her soft lips against mine. I let myself get lost in the sensation, closing my eyes, and before I know it, we are moving our lips in rhythm with each other. I let her take the lead, following her movements calmly. The passion of the moment is overwhelming, and a soft moan escapes me when I feel her tongue press against my lips. Jess doesn't miss a beat, using the chance of my lips opening to slide her tongue inside of my mouth. She keeps the kiss up for a while, our tongues dancing around each other as I feel her shift and move around on top of me, her lips part from mine, and before I can even let our a whine in response, I hear her voice. "Demi… why don't you open your eyes, I have a surprise for you," I don't even think about what she is saying, letting my eyes flutter open as I see Jess hovering above me, my eyes slowly drift down from her face to her body, the lack of clothing being the first thing I notice. Once the realization settles in, I quickly look away a bit ashamed.

"Jess… y-you're naked," my words are met only with a chuckle as she gently cups my cheek again, guiding my face so I look at her.

"I know, is something wrong with the way I look?" she chuckled softly again and I felt her slowly glide her hand away from my face and down my body, sending shivers down the length of my spine.

"N-no, not at all,” I say, sounding a bit too defensive suddenly as I blush even more. "Y-you look amazing, I just… you know, I look nothing like you."

"Hmm, now that's nonsense. You haven't even shown me what you look like yet," her hands land on the edge of my shirt as gently tugs at it. "Is it okay if I take this off?" her words are soft and gentle, it's clear she only wants to do this if I agree to it, making my nervousness melt away almost immediately.

I give a quick nod, and I feel as she puts both hands on the hem of my shirt, pulling it over my hand gently. The cold night air against my skin is surprising, but I ignore the feeling. Her hands gently trace around the edge of my bra, still looking me in the eye as I try to maintain my composure.

"I-if you aren't wearing one… I guess I should take mine off too," I say softly as she reaches behind my back, finding the clip of my bra.

"It's alright my dear, I'll do it for you," she leans in again, but she doesn't meet my lips, instead she begins kissing my jaw gently, moving down to my neck slowly as I feel the bra unclip behind me and fall off me slowly. I feel a bit shy as my breasts are a size smaller than hers, but Jess doesn't seem to mind, continuing to kiss my neck as she grabs one of my breasts firmly in her hand. Eventually, her constant shows of affection draw yet another moan from my lip, she seems to take it as a sign to continue, her lips travelling down my body and reaching the breast she had left untouched until now.

"J-Jess, are you sure? I-is this okay?" I ask with a raspy voice. Unsure where she intends to take this.

She pressed a soft kiss against my nipple, the mixture of the cold air and the pleasure she was giving me making it sensitive and hard against her lips. "Do you not want it?" she asks a bit sadly.

"Jess, I want this, I want this a lot," I shyly reach my hand over to feel her body "I'm just… I'm shy," I admit while staring at her body, trying to think of what to say, trying to figure out exactly what I want.

"That is okay Demi. Just let me take the lead, okay?" she speaks in a soft yet sultry tone that drives me more and more wild with each word. A slightly eager nod being the only way I can respond to her.

She seems content with my answer, kissing my nipple again, sucking it gently before I feel her free hand slide down my stomach, reaching the edge of my pants. I quickly realise what it is she wants and move my hands to undo my belt for her. In one smooth movement, she pulls my pants and panties down, seemingly doing them both on purpose. As I lay there, fully exposed for her, I realise how badly I desire this. How badly I want her to take me, how badly I want her to do as she pleases with me. As if she can read my mind, she doesn't waste any time with teasing my damp, warm opening with her fingers. I let out a slight gasp through my moaning as she does. My eyes falling closed from the sensation. But her movements don't stop. A loud moan fills the air as I feel her index and middle finger slide inside of me, moving down quite deeply before slowly moving back out again. She keeps going in a slow rhythm, sending shivers all the way up my body each time her fingers change direction. "F-faster faster please," I moan out softly, almost like a beg. She once again doesn't need any words to respond, I feel her fingers gradually speed up, going faster and faster as I moan louder and louder. The pleasure building up in me more and more until suddenly I feel myself release. The pleasure flowing out of my body through my gentle area as my body goes numb. 

I take a second to catch my breath, not quite believing what just happens.

"Jess…" I let out, still sounding like a moan lightly "that was-" my eyes flutter open, but Jess is no longer there, I’m laying all alone under the cold, dark sky. I feel the panic build into me as I suddenly get up. "Jess!" I scream panicked, waking up as I do. My eyes fall on the dark apartment, once again reminded of the fact I'm all alone in here. I reach down under the blanket, to confirm what I was thinking "not a blackout… just another wet dream, damnit" I groan softly as I sit up, looking across the room, trash and dirt are building up again since it got cleaned Saturday. I feel over my arm, where the bandage used to be, and there is now a new scar for my collection. I look down, like always, I feel the shame bubble up inside of me, shame for my scars, shame for not being able to keep my room clean, shame for my feelings. I try to push all my feelings away, taking a deep breath and standing up, hoping I'll forget about it all if I get started on the day.

**Thursday, 8 days until the party**

After another mediocre breakfast, I put the used bowl in the sink to wash it off later. I crawl back into my bed, my little corner of familiarity in this strange world. I reach across for my laptop and turn it on, intending to waste the day away with watching random stuff on social media yet again, but something in me resists the temptation. I stare at the screen for a while, thinking about what I actually want to spend my time with today. I’m still on the front page of the site I usually watch videos on, but something stands out, in the bottom right corner of my screen is a video with a thumbnail covered in rainbows. I’m not exactly why, but I click on the video. It’s actually kind of sweet, it seems to contain various clips of shows I watched of some of the characters, notably all girl characters, interacting together, but in a very romantic way, some of them even kiss. 

My mind wanders as I watch it, it seems so normal, so accepted in the video, I imagine if I was one of those girls, would I have the courage to kiss another girl? I start imagining the other girl is Jess now. I still don’t know if I’d dare to kiss her, but I do know I want to. I pause for a second - what is wrong with me, why am I acting so weird, I don’t really like girls that way, do I? I lay down on my back, staring at the ceiling instead of looking at the screen. 

“Am I… like that?” I ask myself out loud. I always knew I wasn’t interested in boys the same way other girls were, the way Sophie seemed to think I was. But I never actually thought about being with a girl before, only my subconscious keeps giving me these weird dreams that keep on confusing me. 

I let out a deep sigh and lift myself upright again, the video has ended by now, but before I can pick anything new, autoplay selects the next video for me, another video that’s similar, but with music by some female artist playing over it. I try to push away my thoughts and focus on the video and music instead, but I quickly begin to catch on to what the lyrics are saying. It sounds like some kind of love confession, I never really was the type for love songs, they never really felt like they fit for me, but this one is about a woman declaring her love for another woman. It does seem like the song fits the video, but again, my mind begins to wander, what would I feel like if someone sang such a song to me? Isn’t that the appeal of love songs? As soon as that idea pops into my head, I imagine Jess singing it to me, and I try to shake my thoughts again, I try to bury these feelings that keep coming up from somewhere deep inside me.

I keep watching video after video, it stays on the general topic of women loving women but moved on from edits of various shows and movies. I end up watching all kinds of videos, coming out videos, vlogs, travel videos, even a video of a marriage, all with one common theme, it features women loving other women. I heard a lot of terms fly past, Lesbian, Bisexual, Pansexual, it all felt so confusing to me. I eventually realise just how much time has passed, it’s already mid-day. I get off my bed, deciding to finally wash my breakfast bowl. While washing, I just can’t help myself but wonder: “why am I so interested in women falling in love with women?”   
_ “Because you are just like them,” _ I hear a familiar voice from inside my head call out. I freeze when I hear it, secretly wishing I didn’t have to deal with these ‘intrusive thoughts’.

_ “You can’t just wish me away you know, besides, figuring out your sexuality won’t be any easier if you don’t talk to someone, so try talking to me,” _ I scoff a bit at the idea, the voice makes it sound so easy and simple.

“I have no interest in talking to a voice, how do you think you’re supposed to help me?” I respond, hoping that is enough for it to stop.

_ “Well, no one else is around, I’m not going anywhere and you definitely need someone to talk to, so I’m your best option,”  _ of course the stupid voice doesn’t stop, of course I can’t just shut it out.

“You’re not even a person, how are you supposed to help me?” I bit back rather harshly, but at this point, I don’t care very much.

_ “Demi, stop treating me like I’m not even real, I do so much to try and help you,”  _ the sudden response scares me, the voice sounds genuinely sad, like I genuinely hurt someone’s feelings, but… how? 

“W-wait, you mean to tell me you’re real?” I hear my voice crack a bit from the confusion and shock. “But… who are you?” the question just escapes me without me even thinking about it. Before I can even comprehend what I just said, I get a response.

_ “Of course I am. Or at least, I think I am. I don’t know much, all I know is that I’m Avelyn, and you’re Demi,” _ her words hit me like a truck, I feel a headache build up as the world turns around me.

“Avelyn? The girl from the note? But how is that possible? How can I hear you, where even are you?” I try to make sense of all of it, but the more I try to think about it, the more it confuses me.

  
_ “I don’t really know, I’m as confused as you are about all of this. Do you think Maria is able to help us out with this?” _ her suggestion hits me hard. Is this the kind of thing I should tell Maria? Or would she just send me to a mental hospital if I tell her that I’m hearing voices? I take a deep breath to process all of the options, and even though I can’t see her, I can tell Avelyn is waiting for an answer from me.

“No, no we can’t tell her, at least not yet,” I need to lean onto the counter to balance myself. “I want to figure out what to say first, figure out what to tell her,” I know it’s not entirely true, but I don’t want to focus on the real reason.

_ “Demi, I won’t try to force you but… talking to people will help, trust me in this, okay?”  _ I feel her words echo throughout me, and I realise she is right in some sense, I’m just not ready to talk about this just yet.

“Next week, okay? I think I have something else to focus on in my conversation with her tomorrow,” I move away from the kitchen counter, sitting back down on the bed, hoping that puts an end to the conversation.   
_ “But, if you tell her about Saturday, shouldn’t you tell her about the blackout, about me?”  _ Avelyn’s voice follows me, something that I guess makes sense, since she’s a voice in my head.   
“Shit, I guess that too, but, I actually meant my… weird thoughts about… you know,” I let out with a sigh, I guess by now she knows all my weird and creepy thoughts about Jess. I look over at my laptop, reminding myself of spending hours watching videos of women in love with women. “Avelyn, what am I? Why do I… feel like this?”

_ “I mean, I don’t know everything. But it sounds like you’re in love with Jess,”  _ her blunt answer stuns me a bit, am I really? Is that why I keep dreaming of her… like that? Is that why I keep looking at women in love and imagining it’s me and Jess? 

I think about it for a moment as I stare at the ceiling. “I guess… I guess that’s possible, I just… It’s not like that’s a rational feeling, me and her could never be together,” I say with a defeated sigh, already feeling about to give up on the matter.

_ “Not if you never talk to her, she’s nice to you, you find her pretty, why not talk to her, see if she is interested in getting to know you better?” _ she has a point somewhere, I’d even agree with her if she was talking about someone else rather than me, but I just don’t think that’s really an option for me.    
“Yeah, because when she finds out I’m hearing voices and all the fucked up stuff I think, the stuff I’ve been through, she’ll instantly fall in love with me,” I groan annoyed, Jess seems so perfect to me, she always looks so amazing, she seems so nice the few interactions we had, even if it was during her work. I just can’t compare to that.

_ “Demi, you know that’s nonsense,” _ suddenly Avelyn cuts off my train of thought, startling me a bit by the suddenness of her voice, even if it isn’t any louder than usual.  _ “All of that is up to her to decide, you don’t get to reject yourself in her stead. You’ll see her tomorrow, try talking with her after your appointment, okay? For me?” _

“Fine, fine, I’ll try, that’s all I’ll promise,” I hope that ends the conversation for now. 

For a while, she seems satisfied, I don’t get another response and finally have some breathing room for myself, able to reflect on the fact I just had a conversation with… well not myself, but at the same time, I’m unsure what she is. Eventually, I speak up again, unsure if I’d be heard, “Hey, Avelyn… I’ve been having blackouts, and memory loss my entire time. Is that… related to this?” 

I notice my question doesn’t get an immediate response, but it still vaguely feels as if she is there, even if I don’t quite understand how I get that feeling. After a short while, she figured out how to respond,  _ “Well, the moments you don’t remember are the same moments I controlled the body, and I don’t really have memories of the moments I’m not looking in on you like this, so perhaps that’s why you experience blackouts.” _

I let her words simmer for a little bit, letting myself process them bit by bit. “So, you don’t have a body of your own?” I’m a bit unsure if the question is insensitive, but I mostly just try to understand what kind of weird situation I got myself into.   
_ “Nope, not really, I don’t really like taking over, I only do it by accident, or when I do it to protect you. But since you never really talked to me, I wasn’t able to discuss if I’m allowed to use your body for things like drawing, or watching some shows.”  _ The idea still shocks me, not having her own body? Is she some kind of spirit? A ghost? Maybe Maria would know, but how do I ask her something like this?

“So… how do we handle things like this? Can I just call your name if I ever want to talk to you?” I ask softly, hoping I can at least assert some control over this.

_ “Demi, I know as much about this as you, but… We can try it out, and most of the time, when you get distressed or confused, I tend to wake up so… if you need me, I’ll be there.” _ She seems quite happy with the answer, but it still leaves me quite confused.

“So, can you decide to go away as well, go to sleep as it were? I would like some privacy I think, to process all of this,” I try to phrase it as subtly as I can, in truth I just don’t want to deal with her right now, the more I talk to her, the more I get confused.

_ “Of course, I don’t mind giving you some space, and I will be there for you tomorrow, to help you out with everything if you need it,” _ she speaks up joyfully, and before I can respond, I stop feeling a presence, hoping that means I’m finally alone.

**Friday, 7 days until the party**

I’ve just been trying to make my way through the day, trying to fill the time until I have to get to my appointment. I haven’t heard from Avelyn all day, unsure why exactly, maybe she wasn’t actually real or will stop bothering me from now on, but somehow I have the feeling that’s just wishful thinking on my part. Once my bus reaches my stop close to, but still quite far from the clinic, I begin walking down the pavement, the cloudy, overcast sky matching my feelings, I try to think of how to talk to Maria about what happened last Saturday. She may not even notice the new scar, with the bandage finally off my arm, she would only notice it if she purposefully checked for it, and she hasn’t done that in a while. I quickly make sure my sleeves are pulled up far enough, reaching up to my palms, hoping nobody notices it or thinks weirdly of me for doing it.    
A gust of warm wind flies past me as I open the door to the psychologist’s clinic, I step inside and make my way forward a bit lost in thought until my eyes fall on the girl behind the desk. I feel my heart skip a beat as I make eye contact with her, her brown hair in the same ponytail it always is, her light green eyes focussed on my amber eyes. I notice how her lips curl into a smile. 

“There you are, it’s been a slow day, I was hoping you would come in soon,” she speaks softly, her voice sounding like music to my ears, I try not to let her notice as I simply nod. “Yeah, I hope your shift isn’t too boring,” I respond, unsure how to really carry the conversation, but thinking it might be good to follow Avelyn’s advice and try talking to her.

“Nah, it’s no big deal, besides, it’s not boring anymore, getting to talk to a cute girl always help lift my spirits,” I feel my heart beating in my throat as my cheeks colour a deep red. For a second I am too flustered to respond, only letting out a meek “What?”

“Sorry, I should be more professional, Didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” she quickly tries to bring the topic back, but I’m unsure if I want her to change the subject. “No, it’s alright, I just don’t have people tell me that often,” I mentally kick myself as I talk, wishing I knew how to talk to Jess without feeling so awkward about it.    
“Oh, well, I guess I should say it more often then, to make up for all the people who don’t say it,” she gives me a quick wink after she’s done speaking. Is she… doing what I think she is doing?    
“Oh, well, there’s no need for that, I am quite used to not getting complimented a lot. B-besides, it’s not like I’m that pretty… like you,” I say the last part a bit quickly in the hopes she doesn’t quite catch it, but her chuckle and light blush tell me otherwise.

“Aw, Demi, didn’t think you had it in you, thank you, but, I disagree, you’re quite pretty yourself too,” she seemed to know exactly what to say to make me blush more and more. I look away to hide the shade building up on my cheeks, but I know that’s not enough to hide it from her. I can hear her chuckle at my blush, and it temporarily makes all the embarrassment worth it. I love the way it sounds, especially since I know I made her laugh, I made her happy. I do my best to hold onto the moment, trying to find the best thing to say to make sure it lasts, but luck isn’t on my side. “Ah, Demi you’re here already, come on in,” Maria says from the doorframe of her office, interrupting this blissful moment.

I seat myself in the small office, on my usual chair opposite of Maria’s. I double-check my sleeves once more, hoping I’m quick enough so Maria doesn’t notice. Once she has all her paperwork collected and my files on the desk, she sits down and smiles at me, “you seem quite happy Demi, did anything happen to brighten your mood today?” she asks inquisitively, and while I’m happy she didn’t notice or at least didn’t ask about my sleeves, her current line of questioning surprises me quite a lot. “I do? Sorry, but no. Things still are as bad as always, talking to Jess was just a… just a nice distraction” I respond a bit softly, unsure how to really explain what I was feeling, would she even understand if I told her the feelings I have for Jess? Would she find it weird?    
“Demi, but those small moments matter, it is good to enjoy them, and over time, you will build them up and have more of them,” her voice dropped volume a bit, speaking a bit softer, almost mimicking my speech volume. I look down, on one side, she has a point, I should enjoy getting those momentary distractions, and maybe one day they will come more naturally to me, but for now, enjoying them still feels wrong.

“Well, I try to, I try to socialize and hang out with people, but it doesn’t change anything, I still feel so incredibly lonely… I still feel scared every day,” I pull my knees to my chest, memories flooding back to me, I hate dealing with them, I hate facing them, so like always, I crawl back into my shell.

“Demi,” Maria’s voice breaks through, she noticed the panic building in me, by now she knows what it means when I turtle up like this. “You’re safe in here, I’m not going to hurt you, and nobody else is in here. Just calm down, okay? Want me to grab you a cup of water?” I hear her question, and I try to get a word out, but find it too difficult to speak, I just silently nod as I feel my entire body is beginning to shake. My mind keeps flashing, last Saturday the group of friends Sophie brought, the way they asked questions, the way I freaked out. What I did once I got home. 

I see Maria getting up, heading to the small sink in the corner of her office, grabbing a small plastic cup and filling it with water. As I watch the water running in the sink, I’m reminded of how, when I still lived with my parents, I would turn the tap on while I was crying and shivering in the bathroom, with a razor next to me, and blood on my arms. Eventually they would find me, realise what I was doing, and they’d always get mad at me. They told me it was because they were concerned, but I never cared. Eventually they sent me to a clinic, it felt more like a prison. I was checked so frequently, turning my room up and down to make sure I didn’t have anything sharp, checking my arms every day for new scars. I met Sophie there, and our mutual dislike of the strict policies of the workers there brought us closer. We both knew it was intended for our own good of course, but it never felt that way.   
Maria closes off the tap and walks over to put the cup in front of me, giving me the time to grab it and drink myself. I stare into the cup for a short while, seeing my own face reflected in the water. I think about how I hated being with my adoptive parents, how I never felt free there, how at times, they made it feel like I wasn’t loved due to how difficult I was. But I’d like to think they’d be just as difficult if they saw the things I saw as a 6-year-old girl. If they saw what I saw my dad do to my mom. At times I’m glad for the memory loss, even though I know almost nothing of my own past, it also allows me to forget things like that, sometimes. 

I feel the emotions get too much and I quickly grab the cup, drinking it all quickly while I feel a tear run down my face. Once I’ve finished the cup, I try to calm my breathing, I try to calm myself down. 

“Demi, can you tell me what’s wrong? I want to help you,” Maria took some time before talking, letting me calm down first. I look into the empty cup, I should tell her, but what will happen? I tug at my sleeve a little bit, before slowly pulling it back up, revealing my wrist, revealing my shame. I slowly put my arm on the table, my wrist pointing up as I let Maria see. 

“Last Saturday… I tried to socialize, I tried to hang out with Sophie’s friends. I couldn’t handle it,” that’s all I’m able to say on the topic, I feel the tears swell up in my eyes, I try to fight back against it, the last thing i want to do is to bawl my eyes out in my psychologist's office, but I know it’s a losing battle. After a little while, Maria nods and looks up at me, “Demi, I understand, I can see why that shook you up so much. But just because you do this, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve happiness. I can help you to deal with this, but I need you to talk to me, you don’t need to tell me everything, just the things you feel comfortable sharing, and we can take it from there, okay?” she still tries to play this off as no major issue, but I am unsure if I follow her in her optimism. 

“People like me don’t get happiness,” I lash out suddenly, “I learned that by now, I’m not permitted love, or care, or safety,” but it is how I feel, can I really improve the way she says? “People like you? And what are people like you Demi? Why aren’t you deserving of those things?” once again she turns the question onto me, how am I supposed to explain? 

“Well, for one, I’m a freak, I always have these, crazy thoughts in my head that I don’t know how to deal with. I can’t make friends or socialize, I hate myself, more than anyone else in the world,” I get a bit aggressive, bringing all these feelings up. But a distant voice calls out to me, reminding me of just one name, one name that makes me feel different, that makes me wish I was wrong. I take a deep sigh and hang my head down in shame. “If I can’t love myself, if I can’t accept that love of myself, how could anyone else love me?” I look up at Maria again, it seems my sudden outburst caught her off guard, looking a bit shocked and even a tiny bit sad. One petty, horrible side of me sees this almost as a victory, I proved my point, showed her why I am right, but at what cost? 

Before I can reflect on what I said myself, Maria wipes her eyes quickly and hands me a tissue, I take it and wipe my eyes as well, then blow my nose into it. “Demi, I think I understand what it is you mean, but if that’s okay, I would like to tell you what I think of it, is that okay?” I’m unsure if I really care about her words, I don’t think there is anything she can say to change my mind. But I do appreciate the fact that she asks, in order to avoid any argument, I just nod my head, letting her say what she wants. “I think you’re wrong about yourself, I think you are very brave to start with, it takes a lot of bravery to show me those scars, to tell me about that,” she begins speaking, and I look up surprised. Does she… actually have a point? “Second, Demi, you have been through a lot, for you to still be able to talk about all of that, to still come to these therapy sessions, that takes a lot of strength. And despite everything, you still talk to Sophie, you still tried socializing with her, I think the fact you do all those things, have all that strength, that makes you a very amazing person Demi.” I take a deep sigh and look down, maybe she has a point, but I’m unsure if I can accept it. I take a deep sigh and lower my head a bit. Trying to calm myself down.

“You spoke a lot about being loved, is that a thing you are worried about?” she asks softly as I look up at her again, glad she changed the topic. I nod quickly. “I feel... extremely lonely these days. And well, I know it’s mostly my own fault, I shut myself off from others… but I still wish I was loved,” I sigh, a bit pained as I try to process it all. Maria looks at me and nods slowly “It’s good of you to share all of this. I think it’s best we try some grounding exercises for now, and try to get you calmed down, okay?” she asks softly, and we go through a few grounding techniques she taught me. When she feels I’ve calmed down enough, she tells me I’m allowed to go plan a new appointment and head home. I stand up and head to the door, dreading who I will see on the other side. 

“Ah, you’re done already,” Jess calls out excited from behind her desk, I approach it meekly I want nothing more than to look up at her and smile, I want to talk to her, but I feel like too much of a mess, all I want is to get out of here, I don’t want to be seen like this, especially not by Jess. 

“Yeah, I would like to schedule for a new appointment next week, same day and time,” I keep looking down, too afraid to make eye contact. But even without looking at her, I can hear her voice drop in tone.

“Oh, right, yeah, no problem.” She speaks so softly, damnit, I ruined everything again.

“Sorry, I’m just not in a good mood today, the talk was a bit tough,” I try to salvage the situation, “I should be more talkative next week though,” I hope that is enough for her to feel better, at least she will see me again, right? 

“Oh, well, about that. I’m not working next week, my internship is almost over, Wednesday is my last shift,” I feel like a dagger just stuck through my heart.  _ Last shift. Internship. _ Will I never see her again after today?

“Y-you mean… This is the last time I get to see you?” I feel a lump build up in my throat, tears well up in my eyes but I keep looking away, I don’t want her to see me cry, what would she think of me then. 

“I’m sorry, but, I can’t work here forever, I gotta finish my study,” she sighs softly, “I would love if I could see you again,” she slides the slip of paper with the date and time for the next appointment, it seems so redundant and insignificant now, I never even check these, it’s always the same day and time. I take it and slide it into my pockets, taking a deep sigh as I do.    
“Y-yeah,” I feel dazed, my entire body feeling like it’s on auto-pilot, a part of me not wanting to accept that I’ll never see her again. I just push myself off the counter and begin moving to the door “I’d love to see you again too… somehow, someday.” I can’t afford to wait for a response, the tears in my eyes and the lump in my throat gets too much, I quickly head out of the building, speed walking at first, then jogging, then running to the bus stop.

I stand to wait at the bus stop for a while, doing my best to stop crying as I'm pressed into the corner of the little overhang shelter. I keep looking back at the path I walked, hoping, wishing that Jess will come running after me, wishing she will be there and hold me and tell me it’s okay, tell me I will see her again. But no matter how much I hope, no matter how desperately I wish, she doesn’t come. Eventually, my bus arrives and I get onboard, sniffling a bit as I pay my fare and find a seat. I mentally keep kicking myself, how could I be so stupid, why can’t I tell her my feelings? 

_ “It’s not your fault Demi, we will find some way to meet with her again, I promise,” _ I hear that familiar, annoying voice call out. The last thing I want to deal with now is her. I try to turn away and shut her words out, and eventually, it works, her repeated attempts to reassure me fade until I don’t hear her anymore. Right now I don’t care who or what she is, I just want her to leave me alone. 

Once the bus stops near my apartment, I quickly get off and hurry my way into my apartment. I lock the door behind me and lean against it, crying my eyes out. After a while, I dig the piece of paper out of my pocket and try to look at it. There is something written under the usual date and time, but the combination of the tears in my eyes mixed with my splitting headache make reading it impossible. I get more and more frustrated trying to focus on it until I let out a groan of frustration and rip the paper in two. It actually feels pretty cathartic, I let out another groan and rip it again, I keep the paper scraps together and keep ripping and groaning until the pieces get too small for me to rip them further. I sigh in relief and let myself drop on the bed, the frustration and anger at myself are gone now, but the sadness is still there. I pull my pillow up to my chest, thinking of Jess, wishing it was her I have clutched close to me instead of this useless pillow. I dig my face into it and begin to cry, I cry more and more until eventually, the tears run out. I try to balance myself, I try to regain composure but I keep thinking of Jess, until eventually I pass out from the mental exhaustion, falling asleep with the pillow still clutched to my chest.

_ “Demi!” _ I hear someone call out, but it’s not coming from my dream, it is one of the most peculiar dreams I’ve ever had, no people, not even a location, just me and an empty void, leaving me truly alone, like I’ve always been, and always will be. 

_ “Demi! Wake up!”  _ the voice calls out again, but do I want to wake up? I’d rather dream. There is nothing here to hurt me, no one here to break my heart. I would love to dream of Jess instead, dream of her holding me and telling me everything will be okay. Or maybe I would have another wet dream of her, right now the only way I can have more of her is by dreaming. And I want nothing more than to have more of her.

_ “Damnit, Demi! You big gay idiot, wake up already!” _ My eyes fly open, fully against my will. “What? Who’s there? And who are you calling gay?” I look around, but no one is there, meaning I know exactly who is talking to me.

_ “Demi, It’s not too late, remember the note she wrote? What did it have written on it?” _ I sigh, is she really trying this? It’s way too late for that. “You know, the date and time for the next appointment,” I respond candidly, trying to pretend it’s no big deal, even though just thinking about Jess or anything related to her still hurts.

_ “No you idiot, I mean the other thing, the thing she wrote below it!”  _ she cries out at me. I try to ignore it and just pull the pillow over my ears, even though I know by now that won’t work.

“Why does it matter? Just let me forget her, I’m already hurt enough,” I try to make her stop, but she’s too stubborn to let me drop it.

_ “Demi, it was a phone number, do you know what that means? Do you know what she tried to do?” _ as Avelyn tries to explain to me, the realisation hits me, I toss the pillow away and jolt upright. “A phone number? Did she write her phone number? Does that mean that she…?” I can’t even finish my sentence, it feels too unreal to me, did she actually like me?   
_ “Yes, but it’s not gonna be any use unless you help me put these pieces of paper together! Help me find them,” _ before Avelyn even gets to finish her sentence I jump off the bed and begin looking for all the scraps of paper, collecting each piece I see and putting them on the small desk in the corner of my room. 

Avelyn tries to help me put them together, it’s almost like a puzzle. I never was any good at puzzles like this, but Avelyn seems to get the hang of it rather quickly. With her guiding me, telling me where to put what piece, we eventually have the number complete, I take a deep sigh before looking at what’s written on the piece of paper, and dread hits me once again. 

It’s illegible. My tears soaked into the paper and spread the ink, making it impossible to read all but two of the digits of the phone number. I feel paralyzed, frozen in my seat as I stare at the piece of paper, my last chance, my only chance at seeing Jess one more time, and I ruined it. All because I couldn’t control my emotions, because I didn’t know how to handle heartbreak. If I only stopped for a second to think things through, things would be so different. 

I end up blacking out again, the next few days flying past me in flashes. Sophie taking me shopping again and forcing me to get accessories to the party, eating every so often, but most of the time I’m awake, I lay in bed deeply depressed. I try to focus on my memories, I try not to lose all of them, but aside from quick flashes, I don’t remember anything, as if I’m on autopilot, or someone else takes over for me while I’m gone. I try to hold on, I try to stay grounded, but it’s difficult, especially to even care about it. Until eventually, I wake up to Avelyn screaming in my ears once more.

**Wednesday, 2 days until the party**

_ “Demi, Get up, I’ve been trying to reach you all day!” _ I try to let out a groan, but for a second it’s as if I’m not even in control of my body, slowly my senses return to me, and I am able to move my muscles again. I clear my throat and sigh “What is it now Avelyn? Can’t you let me suffer in peace for once?” 

_ “You’ve done enough suffering over the past few days, it’s Wednesday if you hurry we can make it in time!” _ I try to think of what she could mean, but it all seems so hazy, until it hits me, “Jess’ last shift, I can ask her for a new note with her number, I can still fix this,” I yell out excited, I look down at myself, I’m already dressed somewhat appropriately, so that saves me some time. I quickly put my shoes on and grab my purse, heading out the door in a hurry and running to the bus stop. I manage to catch the bus just in time and take it all the way down to the office. I rush out when I reach my stop and sprint down the pavement towards the office, heading inside quickly and looking around. Strangely enough, Jess isn’t sitting behind the desk. Confused and a bit dazed, I shuffle up to the desk, trying to find an excuse as to why I came in on a day I don’t have an appointment.

“Yes girl, how can I help you?” the older woman speaks harshly, as if she’s judging me, or am I only imagining that? “Hi, um... I usually have my appointments written down on one of those notes, but I lost mine.” Not entirely a lie, I may be able to spin this some way. “Could you check my appointment in the system and write me a new one? So I’m not late for my next appointment,” I try to give a smile, but it is quite obviously forced.

I hear her sigh disappointed, she’s definitely judging me now. “You youngsters, you realise you could have called for this right?” She looks through the system, but still eyes me every so often while waiting for an answer as I try to find one. “Well I… didn’t think of that, sorry,” I must seem like a complete idiot to this woman, but she doesn’t even know half of it. 

“It’s no big deal, I’ll just need your name and date of birth to confirm your appointment.” She looks through the system as I give her my information when she finds the appointment, she writes it down on a note, in a way sloppier handwriting than Jess’ - I can barely read it - but since I actually know the date and time anyway it doesn’t matter, it was just a lie to have her not judge me too much. 

“Here you go, try not to lose it this time,” she slides me the piece of paper and I shyly take it, putting it in my pocket “thanks, oh and um, is Jess here today?” I ask a bit meekly, hoping I can maybe talk with her. “Jess? Do you mean the intern? No sweetie, she had the morning shift, she went home a few hours ago.” Her words break my heart, I truly did mess it up, I truly did miss my chance to see Jess again. I nod and try to mouth a silent thanks as I head out of the building. 

I did my best to control my emotions, did everything I could to fix things, but my self-sabotage is too good. I think of everything, how I always got hurt, how I was never even allowed to be happy by the people taking care of me, how even now, I’m too much of a mess to afford myself any happiness. I walk over the pavement, not really heading in any specific direction, just walking. Eventually, I come across a busy street, cars racing by in all directions. 

For a second I stop to watch the cars, racing about, going places. I wonder if all of them are always so busy. It reminds me of Sophie, always busy with something, recently it’s been the party, and her endless attempts at getting me to come with her, most likely to set me up with someone I have no interest in. It’s funny seeing people get so absorbed in things, the party, their education, their job. But does any of that matter? None of it matters to me, nothing matters to me anymore. 

I look at the cars racing by, wondering who is driving them, wondering where they are going, wondering how fast they go. I begin to feel the world around me deafen and get fuzzier, I can’t take my eyes off the cars, and at the same time, I can’t get Jess out of my head, the sadness of having lost her out of my heart. As I stand there, stable as a rock, I notice the world fade before my eyes as I fall backwards, blacking out once again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, it took me a while to get to this point, but I finally managed to get this chapter finished. I would greatly appreciate any feedback.  
> Also check out my [twitter here](https://twitter.com/Gardens_System)


	4. My dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Demi struggles with recovering from her black-out, and when she finally starts processing her emotions, gets confronted with everything she had been trying to suppress

Sometimes, my emotions overwhelm me to the point I feel numb. It is as if there is this large cord, a tether keeping me attached to the earth. Most of the time, it works well, and I’m walking just like everyone else, but sometimes it loosens a little, and it feels like I’m floating. I don’t feel the ground, nor the wind blowing in my face. I just float above the ground for a while and eventually manage to pull my way back, and I stop feeling numb when I touch down again, perhaps that’s why Maria calls it grounding myself. Usually, this happens when my emotions get the better of me when things happen in life that make me lose control over my little rope. Recently, a lot has happened to make me lose control, and bit by bit, the rope slipped further and further out of my hand. Getting fired again, me developing these… emotions for Jess, freaking out at Sophie’s friends, and now losing Jess forever. Goddamnit, losing Jess, that hurts the most. When that happened, I didn’t just lose grasp of the rope for a while, I let go of it fully. With my tether tying me to the earth, I feel as if I’m floating away, more and more distant from everything. But nothing lasts forever. Eventually, something will pull me back to earth, I just wonder if I will survive the fall, I wonder if I want to. Even if I safely land on the ground, even if I can walk around on it again, I lost the rope tying me to it, my grounding force. Can I handle walking the world untethered?

Suddenly I get the feeling of something yanking me back down to the floor, for a second, it’s as if I can see myself floating in the air, then suddenly falling down to the city below me, towards the buildings, through the concrete before crash-landing into my own body. I expected a hard, rough landing, but instead all I feel beneath me is a soft mattress and a warm blanket over me. It feels very different from any bed I’m used to, softer than the bed at my home, definitely softer than the beds at the psych ward. At first, I’m a bit afraid to open my eyes, unsure where I’ve ended up I’d much rather stick to my own imagination, but the sound of someone moving around in the distance startles me, and my eyes shoot open against my will. My surrounds surprise, and slightly overwhelm me, instead of a cold psych ward or dirty room like I expected, I’m greeted by colourful furniture and a sweet, flowery smell. 

  
  


“Where am I?” I let out as the answer very slowly gets to me, I’ve been here before? Right?

“Ah, Demi, finally!” a familiar voice sounds from behind the half-open door, and when it opens, I’m greeted by Sophie, looking as cheerful as ever.

“You passed out as soon as we got here, I figured I’d let you sleep. You didn’t even have dinner, you must be so hungry, I’ll give you a minute okay, come join me in the kitchen for breakfast, okay?” She barrages me with her questions, I can’t really do anything but nod as I try and piece everything together. This must be her apartment. I was here at the housewarming a few months ago, but it looks so different now.

I really should visit her more. 

Sophie smiles again before heading to the kitchen, giving me some space to process things. I stare at the ceiling, trying to recall how I got here, but all I can remember is me tearing up the phone number, me trying to visit the clinic to see Jess one more time, her not being there and then… nothing, my memories get hazy but they end by the side of the road, what happened? 

“Avelyn?” I try to call out just soft enough so Sophie can’t hear me, I get no response. I lay down on my back again and try to do my best to focus but no matter what, I just can’t seem to reach Avelyn, is she still there? Was she ever even real? Questions roam through my head, the more I dwell on them the worse I feel. Eventually, I manage to drag myself out of Sophie’s bed, I drag my feet as I walk towards the closet, my clothes are dirty and soaked in tears. I grab one of Sophie’s shirts - we are used to sharing clothing, so I doubt she would mind. I quickly get changed and put my dirty clothes aside, I’ll take them home later and toss them with the laundry then. I check myself quickly in the mirror, making sure I look a bit presentable. I put my hair behind my ears and make sure I don’t have tears left on my face. When I feel like I look somewhat okay, I head out to the kitchen to face Sophie.

  
  


Sophie’s apartment isn’t much bigger than mine, but still quite a bit better. The bedroom is in its own room, same for the bathroom, with the living room a bit bigger than my apartment itself, and a small kitchen pressed into one of the corners of the room. “Hey,” I let out meekly as I look around, eventually finding Sophie sitting at the small dining table, with two plates with stacks of pancakes on them. She quickly sits upright and smiles at me, but I can tell she’s been worried about me, even if she does her best to hide it. 

“Hey Demi, good you’re up, come you need to get some food in you.” She keeps the cheerful tone in her voice. I look around the room a bit as I walk to the table, the kitchen is a mess from Sophie’s cooking attempt, and the blankets on the couch tell me she’s slept on there last night. Normally she keeps everything very clean, but today she seems to be letting a lot of it fall to the side. I sit down opposite Sophie and smile softly at her. “Thanks for helping out, I didn’t mean to call for help so last minute,” I say, doing my best to lighten her tension a bit, though I never was good at such things. 

“It’s no problem, Demi, just… What’s wrong? I’ve seen you during an anxiety attack and this was something… different,” she struggles a bit with her words, and I can’t blame her, unfortunately for her, there is no easy answer.

“It’s nothing new,” I answer honestly “I’ve always dissociated like this, though… it’s getting worse, I have even less control over my emotions now,” I hang my head a bit, poking at the pancakes on my plate. “I don’t know how to retake control of my own life anymore.”

“I didn’t know it was that bad. Is there anything I can do?” she offers softly, almost reaching her hand over to mine but pulling back halfway, remembering I don’t like being touched. I let out a quick sigh before taking a bite from the pancakes, thinking about my answer. 

“I don’t know Sophie, usually just… something happens to make me feel overwhelmed and I just… black-out, I never remember what happens during that until I wake up again.” I try to find clearer words to express it, but I barely understand it myself, how could I make someone else understand. But Sophie seems to understand well enough, she nods and leans back to think a bit. 

“What caused it then? What made you feel so overwhelmed?” The words surprise me for a bit, but I take a second to let it land. 

Maybe I should tell her, it would be a load off my shoulders. “For a few weeks now… I’ve had a crush on someone and yesterday… I had to accept that there will never be a thing between us. I got to move on, but it’s tough,” I say, a bit defeated as I let my head hang low. I can tell Sophie is doubting her words, considering asking more before eventually clearing her throat. 

“Well, look, Demi, I know how painful that is, and I want to help you out.” She smiled softly, “I think it would do you good to try and get your mind off things, focus on something else… like the party tomorrow,” she says, a grin on her face as she leans back a bit. 

I think for a bit as I chew on my pancake, eventually nodding, “You know what? I think you’re right, let’s do this.”

  
  


Sophie and I spend most of the day preparing for the party tomorrow, planning some ideas and making sure we have everything we need. Sophie even suggests we get dressed up and everything to try out how we’d look at the party itself. I can tell she mostly suggests it to keep me busy, but I really don’t mind. We spend some time on our hair and make-up, and Sophie puts me in the dress we had gotten all that time ago. It is starting to get pretty late and I’m standing in front of a mirror, my hair done up a bit and a light touch of make-up on my face as I try out the red dress and matching gloves. I barely even consider how they cover my scars, I let it go for now, but I faintly hear a voice in the distance.

_ “Wow, Demi, you’re looking good.”  _ I gasp a bit at the sudden voice but do my best to hide it so Sophie doesn’t notice anything going on.

“Avelyn? Is that you? Where were you?” I whisper as softly as I can, hoping to hide Avelyn from Sophie a while longer.

_ “Yeah, sorry, I couldn’t quite focus myself enough to talk to you. Are you okay?” _ she asks calmly, and I almost feel as if she puts her hand on my shoulder. Not quite sure how to handle it, I brush my hand over my own shoulder and the feeling fades. 

“Yeah, I’m fine, but I can’t really talk now,” I keep my voice low, looking at the door to the living room to make sure Sophie won’t come in.

_ “Try and talk in your head, without speaking out loud then,” _ Avelyn suggested as I moved to sit on the edge of the bed. I take a sigh and do my best to focus, a bit unsure how to do it.

“Like this? This feels weird, just, tell me what happened, please.” I try to talk inside my head but it makes me feel a bit weird, my own words feel distant and strange.

_ “Fine, just, you blacked out again, and I didn’t know how to get us home so I panicked and called Sophie, she took us here, but being active like that drained me, I passed out shortly after we got here.” _ She speaks quite quickly, a bit panicked even, I do my best to follow, a bit unsure what I should do.

“It’s okay,” I speak in my head again. “Thanks for helping out, we’ll talk more once we’re home, okay?” I figure us both getting some rest is probably for the best now, it’s beginning to get quite late anyway.

_ “Thanks, I’ll do my best to reach out once you’re home. See you soon.” _ She quickly fades, her presence no longer felt as I try to clear my head, still thoroughly confused by the situation with Avelyn.

  
  


The hours sped by for most of the day. I can tell Sophie focussed mostly on distracting me, but as my mood lightened, hers did too. It was genuinely nice to spend time with her again and I think she felt the same. It has been so long since we met back at the clinic, yet despite all the difficulties we had staying in touch, we never drifted too far apart. At times I find her a bit odd. We are almost like complete opposite - she’s so hyper and social, while I’m always so timid and quiet. 

Though in a way we are also very close - even though the counsellors in the clinic meant well, they never quite understood our pain, Sophie and I understood each other though, without needing to explain much. She understood the scars on my wrists, and I knew not to press her on the sore spots and marks on her stomach. We both knew why they were there, and neither of us felt judged by the other. Sometimes, it still feels like I’m not fully understood, people look at me weird, and often judge me when they see the scars, or discover I have intrusive thoughts or panic attacks, hell, how would people respond if I was open about Avelyn. Me and Sophie, we never worry about the other’s judgement, we can be ourselves with each other, without fear of being fired or pushed away for the stuff we deal with every day.

“Deeeemi!” she calls out, drawing out my name. “Still there? Come on, your pasta is gonna get cold if you keep staring at it like that.”

I look up, surprised to be pulled out of my own thoughts so suddenly. “Sorry, I was just thinking… about how I’m happy I have such a good friend.” I drag my fork through the pasta and roll up a bite for myself. Sophie and I cooked together, just a simple pasta with a cream-based sauce.

“Awww, are you getting soft?” She chuckled a bit, taking a sip of her glass of cheap wine we grabbed from her fridge to pretend today was fancy. “I thought you would be thinking about a certain someone else,” she smiles a bit, waiting for me to tell her all about my crush, but is that a good idea right now?

“You mean… I think that’s the last person I want to think about right now. Besides, I don’t stand a chance anymore anyway.” I try to hide what I can, unsure if this is the right moment to tell her I’m attracted to women. Hell, I just told her I was thinking about her, will she start believing I have a crush on her and get weirded out about it?

“Awww, come on, my best friends first real crush and I don’t even get to know what he is like? No fair,” she pouts at me in protest. It doesn’t sting as much anymore, I think I’m able to talk about Jess without all the pain right now, but is this the right moment? Perhaps I can hide the fact she’s a girl.

“Very… charming, with soft, loving green eyes, soft lips that I wish I could have kissed… I think.” I let out a sigh, mostly to disguise the fact I don’t know how to say the next part. “All of it has… awakened something in me, whenever I think about those eyes, those lips, and well, everything else, I just get so… so….” Is this really an appropriate topic? Can I really talk about this?

“So what? Come on Demi, I need to know now,” she chuckles again, watching me curiously, almost as if she gets some amusement from my difficulty talking about it all.

“Horny, a few weeks ago we… met, and talked, nothing more than that… but I kept imagining those eyes watching me, those hands on my body… and well.” I feel my face get red as a tomato, had we made our pasta with tomato sauce it’d almost be fitting. “I went home and… fingered, and I just can’t get the… desire out of my mind.” It feels good to finally let it all out, although I expect Sophie to announce her disgust about my wording any moment now, she remains rather calm.

“Wow,” she chuckles a bit. “I didn’t quite expect that but… well it’s a good thing you shared that.” She plays with her own food a bit as if she is contemplating something. “So this… guy.” For a second, it feels as if she is hiding something in the tone of her voice, but I do my best to not give any reaction. “You know, a good way to forget such a guy would be to find someone at the party and… you know, have their eyes and hands on you.”

It takes me a while to realise what Sophie was proposing, but when I finally understand what she is saying, I quickly shake my head. “No! No trying to get me a date is one thing but… No, I’m not going to find a random guy at the party and… you know, do that with him.” I do my best to sound stern about it. I never actually contemplated if I’m interested in men, but if I am, now isn’t exactly the time. 

“Fine, fine, I won’t push you further,” Sophie says while putting her hands up defeated. “Just… one day you’ll get with someone you like, but don’t let this one failed case get you down too much, okay?”

I nod at her words, poking at my food a bit more, unsure how to change the topic, since talking about this further is a bit daunting to me. We both sit in silence for a while, afraid of bringing up the wrong topic.

“So um,” Sophie is the first to break the silence, her plate almost empty by now. “Do you want to stay over tonight? I can understand if you’d rather not be alone for a while,” she offers somewhat softly, prodding to make sure I’m not too down from the conversation. 

“Oh, thanks, but I think it’s best if I sleep at home tonight,” I say while looking at the dress we stuffed into a paper bag for me to take to my own place. “I have to go to therapy tomorrow, and I have some of my stuff there I’d need for the party.” I keep it simple. I also am unsure if my thoughts of Jess will return and if I’m going to cry, I’d rather do that in private right now.

“Right, you still go to Dr Flores for therapy?” she asks, a bit confused. “You know, the clinic close to the centre has a lot of good therapists, might have some specialists that can help you better.”

I know she tries to help, but the suggestion stings a little. “No, I think I’d rather stick with Maria, things are working well with her right now.” I try to think of why she is so weird about it, but it’s slowly coming back.

“I just… I don’t fully see it, I barely got along with her when I was there, but that might just be me.” She sighs a bit and finishes her food. “Either way, you’re still coming to the party then? Want me to pick you up tomorrow?” I nod and keep eating my own food calmly.

“I can make sure I’m prepped before you’re there, just need to know what time.” I shrug and try to push the earlier topics out of my mind, distracting myself with the party for now.

“Great! I’ll pick you up a bit before dinner time, we can get some food together before we meet up with the rest of the group.” She starts going off about how excited she is to have me be with her friend group, something about it finally being complete tomorrow. I try to balance myself as I feel my breathing get more difficult.

“The group? The same from last time? I don’t know if this is a good idea, Sophie.” I lean on the table a bit to balance myself, panic quickly seeping in.

“Demi? Hey, Demi you okay?” Sophie quickly gets up, “Hey listen, I just want to meet up with my friends okay? You won’t have to hang out with them if you don’t want to. I just gotta say hi quickly when the party starts.” I nod, doing my best to calm myself.

“Okay, Okay, I think I can handle that just… didn’t really expect it,” I take a deep breath, still leaning on the table for balance, “I think I need to lie down, can you drive me home?”

Sophie quickly nods and grabs a glass of water for me. “Here, drink this while I grab my keys and your stuff, okay?” I nod, doing my best to stay focussed, drinking slowly to calm myself down, I struggle to keep track of whats going on, and suddenly I notice I am lying back on my own bed at home.

  
  


I sit back up again, Sophie has already left, leaving me alone in the cold, dark apartment. I move to the thermostat, hoping to turn the heat up just a bit, only to be reminded that it’s broken and stuck at the default temperature. “Damnit, when am I getting this damn thing replaced?” I ask myself, knowing the answer is likely never. In frustration, I roughly press my head against the wall, blaming myself for having another panic attack, especially for such a stupid reason. “Maybe they won’t hate me, despite me yelling at them the last time I saw them,” I try to reason with myself, but I only dig myself a deeper hole, and quickly, I begin feeling dread overtake me again. 

“They hate you, just don’t go, they’ll only mock you if you go.” The thoughts feel horrible, they so clearly come from me, not Avelyn, yet they don’t feel right for me, as though they are invading my mind. I push myself away from the wall, hoping that if I find something to distract myself even for a bit, I will not have these thoughts anymore.

I enter the bathroom, mentally kicking myself, a lot of unpleasant memories are attached to bathrooms for me, yet I need them on a daily basis too, I wish my memories could be attached to someplace else. I try to clear my mind, turning away from the mirror to avoid seeing my own reflection as I pull my clothes off and toss them on a pile next to the laundry basket.

I turn the shower on and wait for the water to get warm enough for me to get under it. The heat and steam coming from it helps me relax, I don’t particularly bother with any products right now, just letting the stress and anxiety wash off, hoping I walk out of the shower feeling better about myself. I eventually turn the shower off, grabbing a towel and drying myself off while still in the showers cubicle, wanting to stay in the warmth for a while longer.

When I’m finally ready to face the cold of the bathroom, I step out of the shower, most of my body dried up by now. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, but this time I don’t turn away, watching myself for a while instead. My usual dark blonde hair is even darker now that it’s wet, almost looking a dark brown. The water still in it pulls my hair down to my shoulders, while normally it’d curl up and only reach the edge of my neck. I catch my own hazel eyes scanning down my body in my own reflection. As a teen I always felt so insecure about my body. I never quite looked like the models I saw on the internet and was weirdly obsessed with. 

My breasts aren’t quite as big, and I don’t have a flat stomach, nor a perfect hourglass figure. I let out a light sigh, remembering what Maria told me about feeling negative about myself, and how I should try and compliment myself. 

I look up again, would Jess like me if she saw me like this? Would she judge me for my imperfections, or love me despite them? I do my best to compliment myself, but I’m too stuck comparing my own body to those of people I admire, after a short while of trying to motivate myself, I realise how low on energy I am and drag my feet out of the bathroom, letting myself fall on the bed and covering myself in the thick blankets to get some warmth again.

  
  


After a while of laying in my bed, my focus on the ceiling as if it was the most interesting thing in the world, the room starts feeling different, a bit stuffier, everything feels just slightly off, but I can’t quite place my finger on why. I slowly get out of the blankets, seeing the set of lacy lingerie on me. I can’t even remember when I got this. I look around my room, confused, until a sudden knock at my door startles me. I stare at the door for a while, and eventually, there is another sudden knock. Still not sure who’s behind it, or why, I walk over to the door and open it slowly.

“Demi,” a voice calls out when the door is open. “I was so worried you wouldn’t let me in,” she says with a tone of exasperation as my eyes adjust to the darkness of the hallway, slowly realising who it is.

“Jess? What are you doing here? I thought…” I struggle to find the right words “I thought, I’d never see you again,” I’m shocked, tears rolling down my face as I try to process the situation.

“Demi, I’ve been looking for you all over, I finally found you.” Her voice pierces through my skull as her vibrant green eyes pierce the darkness, staring straight at me while I stand in the door frame paralyzed until she suddenly grabs me close, pushing me against the wall and kisses me roughly on the lips.

I try to focus on the kiss, but the suddenness of it all mixed with my tiredness makes it hard for me to take it all in. Before I can start kissing her back she moves her lips over to my neck, while her hands feel up my body, crawling over my skin with a tight grip.

“Jess… what are you doing?” I try to find my words, but my breath shudders as my body responds to Jess’ actions with arousal. “What’s going on?”

“Shh, Demi, it’s okay,” she shushes me while tracing kisses over my neck, “don’t you want this? You look like you want it, why else would you answer the door dressed like this? Weren’t you waiting for me?” I feel her hands move to the edge of my lacy bra, tugging the straps a bit as she chuckles. “You look perfect, all gift-wrapped for me.”   
I try to process what she is doing, I guess I am always waiting for her, even now, when I thought this could never happen I was still waiting for her, my doubt clashes with my arousal, I want this so badly, but at the same time, am uncertain if this is a good idea.

Before I can protest anything, she sucks a bit on my neck before pulling her mouth away, leaving a love mark on a quite visible spot, “for the party tomorrow, so you don’t run off with another girl.” She chuckled a bit again and moved to kiss my neck again, while her hands slowly follow my bra straps to the clasp at the back. “Hmm, this is getting in the way, I’m sure you don’t mind,” she says, more than ask. Undoing the bra suddenly and letting it fall down on the floor as her hands slide over my skin again, to the front, grabbing my breasts roughly.

“This is what I’ve been looking for, why so shy? Enjoy this.” It comes out almost like an order, and as her lips begin travelling from my neck to my chest, I let my head fall against the wall, looking up at the ceiling, letting out a moan at the same moment as her lips reach my nipple, playfully sucking it and tugging a little. 

“Perfect, that’s the sound I want to hear, but I think I can make you sing even louder,” she moves her hands down my body, her lips still teasing my sensitive nipples as her hands reach the rim of my panties. “Do you need these?” she asks, looking up at me. It takes me a while to respond, but eventually she moves one hand to behind my head, forcing me to make eye contact with her. “Answer me, do you need these?” she asks again, all I manage to do is shake my head as my breath shudders and moans escape my lips, I barely have any control over my body anymore.

I feel the sweat run down my body, all of Jess’ actions are warming me up too much. Every moment I get accustomed to what is going on, she does something new, never quite letting me be at rest. Before I can even realise what Jess is planning to do, she rips my panties off me, tossing them aside while smirking, “You didn’t need them anyway.” Her hands, now on my hips, grip me tightly. “Can you smell that? I don’t even have to feel it to know how wet you are.” She pulls away from my nipples finally, but I doubt it’s a sign she will wind down for now. 

I try to use the calm moment to catch my breath, but before I manage to do so, she kisses down my stomach, making me gasp and lose my balance again. Her tight grip on my hips prevents my legs from giving out and making me fall over as her lips hang on my belly button for a bit before moving further down again, stopping just above my clit.

I feel myself get tense, the wetness between my legs making me a bit uncomfortable, not to mention impatient and desperate. But rather than go where I want her to, her lips slide to the side, kissing my thighs instead, switching between each leg and very slowly climbing up towards my waiting entrance.

“Jess…” I manage to let out, desperate for her attention, “Jess please, I want-” before I can finish what I want to say, her lips suddenly attach to my clit, I feel her tongue draw circles around it, flicking over it every so often. I moan loudly, managing to cover my mouth just before loudly swearing at the sudden pleasure. 

I close my eyes, focussing on the intense pleasure between my legs as one hand lets go of my hips to tease my opening while her lips stay focussed on my clit for a while. I try to move my hips a tiny bit, despite the one hand still gripping me, grinding her fingers softly, trying to tease them into sliding in, but when Jess realises what it is I’m doing, her hand and mouth pull away. 

“Hmmm, no Demi, we do this my way, understood?” she asks somewhat sternly, leaving me unable to say anything but nodding desperately in the hopes that means she won’t leave me like this. When I nod, she smiles, slowly moving in again, but instead of my clit, her attention is on my vulva this time, a few quick licks, just to taste me, then suddenly she presses her tongue inside, and I moan loudly again.

“W-what if anyone hears us?” I ask through my moans, barely able to get a word out. But I get no response from Jess. She is only focussed on my private parts, focussing only on pleasing me. I consider asking her again but see no reason why she would answer now, so instead, I just try and limit my noise.

The intensity gets too much, and after a while, my own hand moves to my clit, feeling awfully neglected, but as soon as I start to rub it, Jess smacks my hand away. I look down a bit shocked, but she quickly puts her own hand on my clit, pinching it roughly as I let out a barrage of swear words through my moans. That only encourages her more, twisting my clit lightly under her fingers while her tongue explores my depths. Needing someplace for my hand, I place it on my own breast, playing with my nipple to increase my pleasure even further.

“Oh fuck Jess, this is all I ever wanted,” I moan loudly. “I love you so much, I’ve been waiting for you to do this.” My voice rings around the hall a bit, but I don’t mind anymore if I’m caught, as long as this doesn’t have to end.

But to my shock, Jess responds, pulling her tongue out of my wet entrance, “then why didn’t you call?” she asks me almost judgmentally. “I gave you my number, I thought you didn’t want me.” She glares up at me a bit, pinching my clit tighter, almost too tight, making it hurt a little.

“Jess, that wasn’t my fault, I… well okay it was my fault but… I didn’t mean to, I wanted to call, I swear.” I try to answer, try to salvage the situation, but my apology isn’t enough.

“Is that supposed to make me feel better? That you care so little about me that you forget to call me for a full week?” She begins sounding angry, her eyes burning straight into my soul.

“Jess, I love you, I really do, but I… I never thought you’d like me.” I am afraid of saying the wrong thing, but I doubt anything will be enough to calm her.

She finally let go her tight grip on my clit and moves her hand up my body again, resting it on my neck. “You know how hurt I was? You didn’t love me, you lusted after me, this isn’t about us, it’s about you.” Her face is inches from mine, but that only makes her scarier as her hand slowly slides from her neck to my throat. I try to fight back, I try to apologise, I turn into a crying mess until suddenly, I scream.

As I scream, I realise where I am, back in my bed, wearing nothing fresh from the shower, my door closed and locked.

_ “Demi, what happened? Are you okay?”  _ a worried voice in my head quickly asks in response.

I let out a sigh while looking down, even though she isn’t physically here, I feel too ashamed to make eye contact. “Nothing Avelyn, just a bad dream. I’ll be fine.”   
_ “Do you need anything? Maybe a glass of water, should we call Sophie?” _ she keeps asking, trying to help despite how little she can do as just a voice. 

“No, sorry, I just… I think I need some privacy if that’s okay.” My request shocks Avelyn a bit, it takes her a while to respond, but when she agrees, she quickly fades, making me not feel her around anymore. I let out another sigh as the thoughts of what just happened in my dream flood my mind. I lie back down again, laying on my side with my body hidden under the blankets as much as possible as I begin to cry, letting all my bottled up emotions out all at once.

  
  


I had a rough morning again, eventually managing to fall asleep, waking up on a tear-stained pillow. I managed to get myself dressed and get some breakfast. It was already quite late in the day, and I wasn’t exactly sure what to do. I sit in front of my desk and begin idly doodling on a piece of paper that had some drawings I didn’t recognise. After a short while, I feel the world around me get fuzzier, and the next thing I know, I’m sitting in my usual Friday bus.

I look around a bit confused, I don’t particularly remember getting on this bus. After a bit I decided to check my phone, a note was left on it, and I quickly read it. 

“You fell asleep while doodling, I drew for a bit, did some cleaning and found an old print-out of your bus route. I hope you’re on time, I am getting drowsy myself so I hope you’ll take over in time to get your stop. Love, Avelyn” 

Well, that answers how I got here. I take a sigh, I am glad she tried to communicate, but it still leaves me confused about the nature of all of this. I look out the window, I still have some time until my stop. Hoping it will help Avelyn in turn, I leave a note on my phone too, saying I received her and what I’m about to do. 

When I look up from my note, my stop is almost coming up, I make sure I have all my belongings with me and get ready to get out and walk to the clinic, still not exactly sure what to talk to Maria about. When I enter the clinic, like expected, I don’t see Jess this time. It will be tough for me to get used to not seeing her here, to have that small boost in my mood just before the conversation starts. I head to the desk, as usual, a new woman sitting there now, I give my name and information so that she can mark me as present in the system.

I take a seat somewhere in the corner to think for a while, trying to put all my emotions in a clear line, but each train of thought brings me back to Jess inevitably. 

“Demi, come on in,” Maria calls out at me, smiling at me from the doorway as I get up sheepishly and drag my feet as I walk into her office.

“You seem a bit down Demi, is anything wrong?” she asks after she closed the door, grabbing a cup of water for herself and setting one down for me too before sitting down opposite of me.

I look at my own small reflection in the water for a bit before taking a deep breath, “there is… quite a lot wrong, unfortunately.” I try to stay calm as I talk, despite not really knowing what to say to her. “I’ve been very confused the past while, and just a few days ago, something happened that left me very… depressed.” I look down again, picking at my own fingers a bit shyly as I try to keep my emotions under control.

“I see, do you want to talk about what happened?” she asks softly, making sure not to put any pressure on me. I think for a second then shake my head. “There is something else I need to process first, one of the things making me so… confused.” I look back up at her again, trying to figure out how to explain all of this, all of these complex emotions, but there is only really one word on my mind. A word I’ve been scared to say and part of me still is. 

“I’m gay, or at least, I think I am.” Despite how anxious I am about admitting it, it does feel good to say it at last. “I discovered I had feelings for another girl… romantic but also… sexual feelings.” I look at Maria for a response, but she doesn’t seem shocked like I was afraid she’d be, she just calmly nods.

“I see, and you’ve been confused because you’re not used to these emotions?” she asks softly. I put so much stock behind how people would think about me liking girls, I never expected such simple acceptance. 

“I… well, yes. But not just that. I never saw myself as this kind of… freak, that… lusts after other women and… well,” I take a deep sigh and try to find the words for it, for how I feel about my attraction. 

“Demi, being in love with another girl doesn’t make you a freak. It’s natural, it’s part of who you are, just like it’s part of who I am to be in love with my partner.” Her words echo in my mind for a bit, ‘natural’. I never thought of it like that, but it rings true. Everything so far felt natural, like I was just following my own feelings. 

I nod after a bit “Maybe you’re right, but… I tried talking to my crush, and she seemed interested and sneakily wrote her number on a note she gave me and... I panicked, I don’t know why but I panicked and tore up the number… I messed up. I just want to find a way to reach out to her.” I try to hold back the tears, quickly grabbing the cup of water and taking a large sip from it. 

“I’m sorry Demi, that must really hurt.” She thinks for a bit, trying to find the right words to help me. “What do you plan to do now?” 

“Sophie wants me to go to a party with her. It’s not my usual scene but… I hope it might serve as a good distraction from all of this,” I answer, trying to calm myself. Maria seems to jump on the topic, and we spend the rest of our time discussing the plans, how to handle the chaos and what I can do after the party to have some more control on my emotions. Near the end of the appointment, I consider bringing up Avelyn, but I’m too drained from the rest of the conversation, so I decide to leave it for next week.

  
  


I feel mentally drained throughout most of the appointment, but manage to break my way through it, eventually being able to head home. I let my mind drift during my usual commute, not really paying attention to my environment, letting Maria’s words echo through my mind for a while.

My mind is still processing everything by the time I get home and let myself fall on my bed. “Is it really okay? Can I… accept this of myself?” I remember feeling good about it, about finally admitting I have a crush on a girl. But not everything that feels good is also good for you, right?

I check the time after a while of letting my thoughts run around, shit, Sophie will be here soon. I quickly get off the bed, I don’t have time for a full shower before the party so I quickly wash my hair in the sink and put on some perfume I got at a birthday ages ago. I quickly comb through my hair and attempt putting it in a braid, but I only make it even messier.

I quickly toss the dress on, as well as digging through some jewellery Sophie gave me with the dress, a simple bracelet over my gloved arm and a necklace that somewhat matches the dress.

Once I’m done preparing myself, I sit on the bed again. Taking a deep breath to make sure I’m calm by the time Sophie arrives.  _ “Hey, sorry I’ve been gone so long today,” _ Avelyn says softly as I feel her presence sneak up on me again.

“It’s okay, thanks for helping out earlier, I just gotta prepare myself mentally for the party now,” I say with a sigh, not hiding how scared I am from her.

_ “It’s gonna be okay. If anything gets too scary or overwhelming, tell me, and I’ll do my best to take over for you, okay?” _ she offers softly. I’m about to respond when the intercom buzzes, only one person this can be.

“Demi, come on, we gotta get going soon,” the metallic voice on the intercom says when I reach it. Luckily her voice is recognisable even when distorted by such a small metallic box.

“Don’t worry, I’m all ready, I just gotta put on my shoes and I’ll be down, okay?” I quickly grab my simple shoes, even though you’d expect heels with this dress, I’m not experienced enough with those to not embarrass myself if I wore them to the party.

“Okay, I’ll be by the car okay? Take your time,” Sophie responded before the intercom cut out. I move to the edge of the bed to put my shoes on, with Avelyn quickly returning.

_ “I will be there for you, and so will Sophie, you got this,”  _ I can’t help myself from smiling, even though I’m not entirely sure yet what all of this is, it warms my heart to see her help me like this.

“Thank you, that means a lot,” I get up once I put my shoes on, grab my keys and phone, stick them in my purse alongside my wallet and head out the door, going downstairs to meet Sophie.

  
  


Sophie had dressed up quite nicely, of course. I’m not surprised that her dress is a more pastel pink, and a little bit more flashy than mine, not quite as long a skirt, and with an open back. Part of me admires the fact she finally feels confident enough in her body to wear such clothing. I remember years ago when we were younger and she wouldn’t wear anything more revealing than thick hoodies. 

We managed to find a good place to eat, a rather small family pizza place, we sit at a small plastic table just outside the restaurant, since we both don’t eat that much, we just easily split a regular pizza between us both, awkwardly trying to eat the slices to avoid any of the greasy food falling on our clothes.

“So, how was your appointment today?” Sophie asks while eating, a bunch of napkins holding up her pizza in such a way to avoid any of the cheese spilling off.

“It was alright, quite a lot, but good too. A lot I still need to think about too,” I answer calmly, realising that my suggestion of getting pizza maybe didn’t come at the best of times.

“Oooh, like what? Is it related to... You know,” she smiles and manages to somehow avoid spilling anything as she eats, while I cut my slices into smaller squares to avoid spilling anything. 

“Well, kinda, but… I don’t think I want to talk about that today, we are about to go to a party, let’s focus on that instead,” I chuckle lightly as I watch Sophie struggle with her food more each slice as her hands get greasier and struggle more with the food.

“Okay, fine, but still, I’m happy you Maria can help you. I had some difficulties on the topic too you know, talking to my therapist helped too.” She eventually gives up her struggles with her slices and begins mimicking how I eat my pizza, struggling a bit with the silverware due to her greasy fingers.

“So, how have you spent your day?” I ask, after a short while of watching Sophie struggle with her food. 

“Well, one of our friends has been going through a depressive episode, so I swung by earlier to drop off to check on her,” she says while trying to figure out, now that she cut her slice into smaller pieces, how to get it on her fork. Eventually, she gives up and picks up the smaller pieces with her fingers anyway.

“Oh damn, that sounds serious, did something happen?” I ask, a bit worried and feeling a bit bad that I never bothered to remember the names of any of her group. Even though I have my own problems, I still can’t help but feel worried for someone I barely know.

“She will be fine, just a bit heartbroken,” she sighs a bit while eating. “I feel bad for her, but there’s not much we can do, you know, sometimes you just have to find peace with a painful situation.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean, it’s not easy though,” I sigh a bit and look down, nervously rubbing my neck a bit. “So um, which of your group is it? So I know to be careful around them and not upset them further,” I ask diplomatically, hoping to also get a bit of a sense of some of their names.

“Oh, she wasn’t there when you met the group, she always goes away on weekends so she can rarely join our usual meet-ups,” she waves away, great, yet another person I’ll have to get to know and try to get along with. “But, she will be there, Hannah will be bringing her, just to make sure she isn’t alone, you know.”

I try to make a mental note of the situation, hoping that I can manage all the social situations a bit better this time, though luckily there are a lot of people at a party, so if I don’t want to be seen, I can hopefully escape in the crowd.

“Alright, almost ready?” I ask as I finish the last bit of my pizza, watching Sophie quickly grab the last few pieces and eating them quickly

“Yup, ready when you are,” she smiles as she quickly finishes her glass of water. We stand up and she goes inside to pay for our food, while I leave a tip at the table. Once Sophie walks back after having paid for the food, we get to her car and I take a quick, deep breath before getting in.

“Alright, it’s party time.”


	5. Her lips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Demi finally arrives at the party, and has to balance how to engage with the friend group, as well as struggling with her sexuality and how to handle her attraction

I had plenty of time to think and process the event ahead of me on the drive over. Sophie knows how lost in thought I get and didn’t interrupt my thinking as she drove us to the party.

It was held in some kind of rented barn on the edge of the city. Apparently the owner doesn’t really need it anymore and lets teenagers and young adults like us rent it for parties, so we don’t create too much noise in the city itself. Decorations, lights, a stage and even a bar were set up on the inside, with a catering company hired to handle drinks and checking for ID. Sophie finds a place to park as I finish up my thoughts, it’s a bit too far out for me to be able to take a bus home, so I have to think of some way to get home if things get too overwhelming, and if Sophie can’t drive, I may be able to call my adopted mother, as much as I’d hate to involve her in my social life.

“Ready?” Sophie asks with a hint of concern in her voice, “Remember, it’s just a party, and I’ll be nearby, nothing to worry about.” She smiles at me and I nod quickly before opening the door. “Just anxious… it will go away after a bit... I hope,” I answer a bit quickly as I get out of the car, looking around at the others around, I had mostly expected young adults like me and Sophie, but there were also some quite older. I see a small group of teens approach the door, only to be turned back around when they are told they can’t come in if they’re under 18. They kick up a bit of a fuss but eventually leave the area.

Sophie catches me looking around a bit worried and walks around the car to me. “As soon as it gets too much in there, just tell me and I’ll drive you home, okay?” She gently places a hand on my shoulder. I take a deep sigh before nodding again “Okay. Let’s go inside, it’s cold out here.”

We get past the ID check, I always feel a bit anxious whenever I have to hand over such documents, like I’m afraid the dates suddenly wouldn’t be correct. I get my ID back from the security guy and quickly put it back in my purse. I take a deep breath as I enter the barn, trying to get a picture of my surroundings so I am less likely to get lost. Before I can fully look around, Sophie grabs me by the arm, pulling me to her friend group. Some of them are standing together in a half-circle, talking while waiting for us and the rest of the group.

I recognize all three of them standing there, so Hannah and the final friend must not be here yet. Sophie immediately goes by all of them, hugging them all quickly and saying hi to each of them individually, I keep my distance, just waving at them from behind Sophie.

“Kayley was afraid you wouldn’t come, we’re all glad you’re here,” says the shortest of the group, the black-haired one who paid more attention to their sketches last time I saw them, with a bit of a cheerful tone.

“Oh come on, you were worried too M,” the brown-haired girl with the blue accents, whom I presume to be Kayley, replies. Seemingly, even at a party she finds her wolf shirt appropriate, or maybe it’s just the only black shirt she had that fit her black pants, wanting to look semi-formal.

I try to keep track of their names, not paying attention to them the first time coming back to haunt me, but I do my best to adjust as quickly as I can. Sophie chuckles a bit, quickly diving into the conversation. “I know, she doesn’t always come out to such events, but I’m glad she’s here anyway.” Sophie’s words catch me off guard, and I quickly feel embarrassed, causing the last of the friend group - the tallest of the group, who once again wears a suit, but a way more formal one this time, it  _ suits _ her - to look over concerned. I try to brush it off and try and find a way to change the subject, hoping to redirect attention to someone else instead. 

“Well, Sophie put so much effort into getting me this dress. It would be rude if she did all that work for nothing.” My poor communication quickly shows, as instead of the attention going towards Sophie, my words are treated as an excuse to talk about my dress instead.

“Oh yeah, it was so hard to find a good one, since you don’t often wear outfits like this, but I think it fits perfectly.” Sophie smiles and turns to the group as if trying to get them to chime in too. I know it is well-intentioned, probably trying to get them to compliment me so I feel better about myself, but it has the opposite effect.

“Ooh, yeah, I am not big on dresses myself,” ‘M’ chimes in first, wearing a simple suit herself. “But it looks great on you, red is a good colour on you.” I nervously rub my own neck, I hate the fact the attention is on me, however, just as Kayley is about to say something about my dress, the tall girl perks up, pointing at the entrance.

“Hey, guys, they’re here!” she alerts the rest of the group, causing everyone to turn around and look at the final two friends walking over, saving me from the attention.

I turn to look at the pair walking over, the one walking in front, waving excitedly at the group must be Hannah, the stronger, blonde girl of the group. Once again she is wearing a band t-shirt but also a bandage in her messy blonde hair, drumsticks hanging out of her back pocket as she hurries over with her friend behind her.

When my eyes finally fall on the friend behind her, my heart skips a beat, a dark green dress, a necklace of what seems to be silver with a small clear green gemstone and rather large hanging earrings decorate her, definitely the fanciest of all of us. But my eyes aren’t drawn to any of that, instead, they’re drawn to her long, smooth hair, worn loose and allowed to flow free, a slight smile forming on her face as her eyes fall onto me, and finally, her eyes, a deep, beautiful green that I can get lost in and that I constantly have to fight being trapped by.

“Ah, Demi, this is the last one from the group, I’ve been meaning to introduce you to her for a while, this is-” Sophie gets immediately enthusiastic about introducing me to the final member of her friend group, but I take the joy away from her quickly. “Jess, wow, I didn’t expect to see you here you look… wow.” I struggle to find my words, a blush slowly creeping its way onto my cheeks as I am completely distracted by Jess.

“Demi, I didn’t know you’d be here,” she speaks and my heart flutters, it truly is her, somehow, our paths crossed once more. I feel a large pain finally leave me, I get to have yet one more chance with her. She looks a bit confused and flustered as well, surprised at the very least as she tries to find the words. “You look amazing yourself in that dress, I like it.” The gentle blush creeping onto my face intensifies, making my entire face red as I get a bit flustered. Getting such compliments was overwhelming from the others, but from Jess it felt so different, it felt right, it made me feel good.

I try to hide my face a bit, looking away and rubbing my neck nervously, unsure how to handle the emotions of seeing Jess again, unsure how to handle the compliments she’s giving me, unsure how to handle how beautiful she looks. Normally, she is dressed in work clothing - a simple, formal shirt, a pair of jeans and her hair in a ponytail. Now, she has make-up, her hair is loose and lightly styled, she is wearing jewellery and a beautiful dress. It makes me feel a bit self-conscious, my braid was done hastily and isn’t as neat or nice as her hair, my dress is way blander, not quite as daring as hers, not showing as much confidence in my own body. I try to push the thoughts back, but this idea of finally seeing her again quickly turns sour as I realise I don’t know how to handle it. I just know I’m likely to mess it up again.

“Anyway,” Hannah perks up. “I really need to go and set up with the others. Y’all have fun! We’ll meet up after the music, okay?” Hannah pulls the drumsticks from her back pocket and breaks off from the group, heading towards the back of the barn where a stage was set up.

“Knock ‘em dead H,” Kayley yells after her before breaking off from the group too. “Babe asked me to go and meet up with some other friends, so I gotta go and dip. Have fun.” She turns around and begins walking off to another group of friends, instantly getting hugged by one of the girls there. 

“I promised Makoto we’d get drinks first thing, Demi wanna come too?” Sophie offers, not quite sure what else to do, I nod and follow her, looking back at Jess as we walk towards the bar. She smiles and waves at me before turning to talk to the last friend of the group.

Sophie drags me along to the bar, getting drinks together with Makoto. Sophie and I stick to just soda -for me, it’s mostly because I just don’t like alcohol much, but for Sophie, because she needs to drive home after. Makoto knows exactly what drinks they want though, and has some alcohol for themselves. I look into my drink, beginning to think soda might not be a great idea to calm my own nerves. I take a sigh; Sophie and Makoto were already talking happily and seemingly gossiping about something.

Having some time for myself, my mind begins to wander, thinking about Jess. I was so surprised when she came here suddenly, I was so afraid I’d never see her again, but now that we are in the same building again, now that I finally got my second chance, I realise I have no idea how to take it, or who to ask for help. I considered asking Sophie, but I have no way of knowing how she’ll respond to knowing I’m into another woman. Will she find it creepy? Will she stop trusting me as much? I thought it was creepy myself at first, but that feeling doesn’t seem to stick around, or at least, it feels like it might be inaccurate.

I think about asking some of the others from the group, but I don’t really know them, nor how they’d respond to me. I finish my drink, buying myself a second one and drinking that quite quickly too. I can’t stop my mind from racing and the more I stand here not doing anything the more I wish I knew how to solve my issue. I try to reach out to Avelyn, talking in my mind without moving my mouth, but there’s no response. I realise the loudness of the group is making it hard for me to reach her. I have to do this alone. 

The dread hits me and I begin feeling a bit sick from the nerves, I decide it’s probably best if I have a moment of quiet so I turn to Sophie, tapping her on the shoulder to get her attention.

“Hey, I gotta dash to the toilet real quick. I’ll be back soon, okay?” She nods, looking a bit worried at first but I do my best to give her a big smile. The last thing I need right now is Sophie getting worried over me.

Once she turns back to talk to Makoto, I start heading to the side of the barn. Just outside, a fenced of area was marked, used to house the toilet units in small separate shacks, detached from the rest of the barn but functional I suppose. Between the barn and the small toilet shacks were a bunch of people smoking, as well as some who didn’t smoke but came here to talk, or to stay with others in their group who did.

I make my way to the women’s shack, inside were a few stalls and a sink to wash your hands in. Though it was still early, I dreaded the thought of seeing what this toilet would look like near the end of the party, it was quite dirty already. I get into one of the stalls, not really needing it, just wanting to be in my own little small corner of silence. I take a moment to catch my breath and think about the situation. I have no real plan of talking to Jess, and even if I were to talk to her, I doubt I’d be able to find the words to tell her how I feel. She seemed to like me though, maybe… Maybe if I stick close to her, she will be the one to initiate the conversation, maybe she will talk to me, and it will be easier then.

I take a deep breath - something I quickly regret with the stench around me - and flush the toilet, just in case anyone is around and finds it weird or suspicious I was in the toilet without using it. I get out of the stall, washing my hands and splashing a bit of water in my face, hoping that helps me refresh and make myself mentally ready.

“Okay, Demi, you can do this… time to head back in there,” I say to myself, before heading back inside, doing my best to contain my heavy beating heart.

Once I step back in the busy, crowded barn, that seems to keep getting even busier as more people come in, I quickly regret it. I struggle to look through the group, trying to find Jess or the friend she was talking to earlier. Before I can even find them, someone else comes over to me.

“Hey, Demi, there you are, I wanted to talk to you for a while actually.” Kayley walks over and I take a step back, unsure what this is about but not having a good feeling about it.

I try to give a simple smile, hoping that whatever it is, it doesn’t take too long.

“Hey, Demi, I just… I wanted to say sorry, I was a bit too forward and… insensitive last time we met.” Her words take me by surprise, I take a second to process it, but quickly try to brush it off.

“Oh well, it’s okay, I feel fine now, I just don’t like talking about… certain things,” I say in response, looking down a bit. Damnit, this is exactly the kind of topic I didn’t want to discuss today.

“I know, sorry, I should have recognized your boundaries and not gone over them like that. I just wanted to include you into the group, you know. You seem very kind.” I look a bit confused, I had expected they would start hating me after my incident. Her kindness catches me off guard. 

“Hey, it’s okay, I shouldn’t have freaked out like that. It was wrong of me to yell at all of you.” I sigh, leaning against the wall a bit, “I’m sorry too, for being… such a weirdo.”

“Demi, look at us, look at me. We’re all weirdos, and we all make mistakes. What matters is that we apologize, I want you to know I didn’t mean to hurt you and will do what I can to not hurt you again.” She looks so confident, so secure of her own words, and I can’t help but take her words seriously. “Thank you, that means a lot actually.” I give her a light smile, thinking over her words.

Just as Kayley is about to turn around and walk away, her ‘friend’ from the other group runs up to her to hug her again, giving her a quick peck on the cheek. “Baaaaabe,” she draws the word out, “You promised we’d do shots, come on.” She begins pulling Kayley in the direction of the bar, as Kayley waves at me. “Welp, can’t say no to her, see ya, Demi!”

“Kayley, wait, I… I didn’t know you had a girlfriend,” I say, confused. If Kayley has a girlfriend, and therefore is attracted to other women, does that mean the others won’t judge me for wanting to have a girlfriend too? Will my feelings towards Jess be seen as normal?

“Oh, yeah, for a few years now.” She smiles and gives her girlfriend a quick kiss, who just keeps pulling her arm towards the bar, “Shots, now, you promised.” Kayley just chuckled at it, going with her towards the bar and leaving me standing against the wall, still thinking about what this all means.

I know Kayley isn’t the entire group but, what she said about mistakes and apologizing, is that something I can do? I never intended to hurt anyone or yell or get panicked when one of them grabbed my shoulder. If I apologize, if I show that I want to be their friend too, can they forgive me? More importantly though, if Kayley can so openly be dating another woman, is it okay if I date another woman too? Can some of them actually give advice without judging me? I often find it hard to be optimistic on such topics, but seeing Jess again makes me believe I can be hopeful today.

I look around the barn again, I can’t see Jess anywhere, but the friend she was talking to, the tall one, is standing at a table, talking with another woman now, probably another friend she has outside of the group. Since I did yell at her more than the others, and somewhat got mad at her last time, it might be a good idea of me to apologize to her, just like Kayley did to me.

I approach the table, a bit unsure how to jump into the conversation. Interrupting someone’s private conversation probably isn’t the best way to apologize.

“Raven, you can’t just say something like that,” the other woman she’s talking to suddenly calls out with a giggle. I can barely hear their conversation over the sound of the band that’s now playing, but I manage to get out bits and pieces of their conversation, getting just enough to catch her name, Raven. Calling her by her name will probably help me come over more sincere about my apology.

After a bit of talking and both of them laughing and chuckling, the other woman begins walking away from the table, with Raven watching her as she walks off.

I slide over to the table, a bit nervous. I never liked confrontations, I always avoided apologizing since I was afraid I’d start a new fight, but like Kayley, I have to risk it to show I intend to be friends with the group.

“Hey, Raven, can we talk?” I have to speak up to be heard, but it only makes me more nervous and self-aware. Raven raises an eyebrow as she turns to look at me. “Oh, hey Demi, I didn’t know you were there. Is something wrong?”

“Well, yes, and no. I just, it’s not that there’s anything wrong with you, it’s just with me and I thought it was important I talk about it, but I don’t really know how to find the words and now I’m just stumbling over my words trying to figure out how to say it but I am not really good at this since I never really know how to handle confrontations or talking to people or-” I speed up with each word, taking smaller and smaller breaks to breathe as I feel my nerves get worse and worse until Raven interrupts me.

“Okay, slow down, calm down, one thing at a time okay?” she talks slower, trying to get me to calm down, “take a deep breath, hold it in for a second, then exhale and say what it is you want to say.”

I do as she suggests, taking a sharp inhale, then using that second to calm down and collect my thoughts before letting go of my breath. “I wanted to apologize, for acting so shitty last time.” I nervously reach for my neck again, but stop halfway, pulling a bit at my gloves instead to avoid showing just how nervous I am.

“Apologize? Shitty behaviour? I don’t think I completely follow what this is all about,” Raven looks at me and tilts her head slightly. “Is this… about when you and Sophie met up with us at the mall?” I nod my head, feeling shitty again as I think about it, I want to run away again, but I do what I can to push through. 

“Yeah, I shouldn’t have yelled at all of you and ran away like that, it was.. Very immature of me,” I keep pulling at my own gloves, but it doesn’t quite calm my nervous the way picking at my shirt sleeves usually does

“Demi, thank you for apologizing, I was a bit startled by it all but… I shouldn’t have reached out like that either, I didn’t know if it was okay and I just made the situation worse. I’m sorry too.”

“You have nothing to apologize for, I was out of line and reacted too aggressive, you just wanted to help.” I brush her off a bit, I didn’t come over to talk about her part in this, I came to clear my own conscience.

“I know, and apology accepted Demi. I’m not mad at you for yelling at us, I was mostly worried, and after Sophie explained, I understood. We all got our own issues, and I’m just glad you are still here and well.” She gives a sincere smile, in a weird way, it never even crossed my mind they might not be mad at me.

“I just, I was a bit afraid of meeting with all of you, I was convinced you all would hate me for it… you wouldn’t be the first.” I don’t even realise I was scratching my neck for a while, pulling my hand away again as soon as I realise.

“We have a policy as a friend group, we don’t judge each other at our worst.” She smiles, for a second it seems as if she is about to reach out to me, but pulls back before she reaches me. “I appreciate you coming to talk to me, genuinely. I just want you to know that, with us, you don’t have to worry too much about judgement. All of us had our fair share of judgement, trust me, I get a lot of it myself.” I catch a tiny bit of pain in her words, but she doesn’t let it show for long.

“So, with that done, I can tell there’s something else on your mind, what’s the story between you and Jess?” Her question catches me off guard, I can feel my blush returning as I get nervous again. “Me? Jess? I have no idea what you are talking about, who even is Jess, what makes you think I have a crush on her?”

“I didn’t say you had a crush on her, but it’s a shame you don’t. The two of you would make for a great couple.” She chuckles a bit and I get even redder.

“What makes you think I’m even into women, I mean… you don’t know me that well, you’re just imagining things.” I try to deflect it. This is exactly the kind of confrontation I didn’t want to have today.

“Listen, Demi, I’ve been… dating women for a long time now, I know how to pick a certain kind of woman out of a crowd. Jess is a certain kind of woman, and you give off the energy of the kind of woman into someone like her.” She smirks, and I am quite certain I missed about half of what she means.

“Wait, what kind of woman is Jess then? What do you think I am into?” I ask confused, mostly not understanding how she figured out me being interested in Jess so quickly.

“If you don’t know what I mean yet, that’s between you and Jess to discover and talk about… in private.”

I let out a sigh, looking down a bit defeated. “That’s the issue, I don’t know how to talk to her, whenever I try to tell her how I feel, I just end up overwhelmed. I’m terrified she’ll find me creepy, or think I’m a freak and run away.” I let my head hang for a bit, feeling quite hopeless and worthless, wishing I could just go home and forget about Jess.

“Hey, Demi, I’ve known Jess for about a year now… I think she’d be very lucky to be with a girl like you, and very happy. And if you can talk to me, and let’s face it, Jess is way less intimidating than me, I think you have what it takes to talk to her.” I look up at Raven, she does somewhat have a point. I did think Raven was angry at me and likely to get mad at me for talking to her. I try to think of some rebuttal, some reason to argue she’s wrong, but she doesn’t give me time to think. “Besides, as one of her best friends, I can promise that if you are honest and open with her, she’d love to go out with you sometime.”

It takes me a while to process what she said, and by the time it finally lands, the girl Raven was talking to returns carrying two drinks in bottles, with Raven using a pocket knife to open them. I slide away from the table, allowing them to have their moment together as I begin to realise they weren’t just friends having an idle chat, and I begin to look around for Jess.

I walk around the barn a bit, my mind still racing. I take a short break from trying to find Jess and look at the band playing. It seems a nice enough group, even if I never really was into loud music. In the back, I can recognize Hannah on the drums, somehow despite the fact they’ve been playing for a while, she still has a lot of energy and keeps up a quick pace on the drums. The rest of the band plays just as quickly and energetically, most of the crowd do seem to like it, and there are even some standing close to the stage.

My eyes scan over the crowd, realisation hitting me that for once, I’m part of something and not being singled out or picked on. Everyone is here to have a good time themselves or with their friends. Maybe I need to let my worries go, let myself enjoy the night, regardless of what happens.

My eyes eventually catch something familiar, a dark green dress, showing part of her upper back and neck, alongside long flowing brown hair. I begin making my way over to her, hoping I finally have a chance to talk to her, finally in a position that I can handle my nerves, but just before I reach her, some guy walks up to her, immediately wrapping his arms around her lower back and pulling her close. I watch in shock, not really able to hear what they are saying. I can’t see Jess’ face from where I am standing, but the guy seems to be laughing, at whatever it is Jess is saying. Am I too late? Has she, in my indecisiveness found someone else to be with? Did I lose my final, extra chance yet again?

Jess turns away from the guy, breaking off from him and walking away, bumping into me in the process. “Demi?” she has to practically shout for me to hear her over the music. I back away slowly, my face turning red as my hands feel numb. She saw me, and if I say the wrong thing now, she’ll just get angry. We could never be together, a girl like her could never like me, I need to get away before I ruin things more. “Jess, I… I gotta go, it was great seeing you!” I yell at her before turning around, running away and pushing myself through the crowd. 

I feel myself get numb, my hands shake as I begin to worry my legs will stop any moment now. I look back to make sure I broke off from Jess, for a second it seems like she’s trying to break through the other people, but I don’t see her, she must have given up on me.

Eventually, I find my way to the outside area, tears forming in my eyes even if I don’t know why. I consider going to Sophie and ask her to bring me home, but I don’t want to explain what happened. I just hope that somehow, the ground will open up and swallow me whole so I don’t have to deal with the world anymore. I find a calm corner where not a lot of people are around, leaning against the wall and letting myself slide down to sit on the ground, my face in my hands as I let myself cry. I finally accept my own feelings, I finally get a chance to talk to Jess, I get my emotions under control and get ready to talk to her and she just… finds someone else, someone better than me who doesn’t leave her waiting for a full week to talk to her.

The other people around seem to keep their distance. I guess heartbroken girls crying at a party is a common sight for most of them. I hear a voice in the distance, calling out my name and I just shake my head. “Please, Avelyn, just leave me alone, I just want to be alone.” I try to shake her out, but she keeps insisting.

“Demi, let me help, please. We can go home if you want,” she tries to reassure me. I do what I can to try and push her away, but it is hard to move away from someone who’s in your head.

“I don’t want to go home yet. Just, I just need some air… and privacy, now please… please just leave me alone.” After a while, I realise it worked. I don’t hear or feel Avelyn around anymore, and I go back to crying by myself.

My tears dry up after a short while of crying. I sigh to myself. The sadness hasn’t left me, but part of it I managed to cry out, part of the pain is gone. I spot a small twig next to me, I pick it up and begin idly drawing figures in the dirt. 

Why is it so hard to approach her? I know she likes me, or at least, I think she does. Then why can’t I just talk to her? I mentally start kicking myself again. I haven’t been able to act normal around her at all today when, just a week ago, I was actually flirting with her. I wasn’t any good at it, but she didn’t seem to mind. I let out a groan before kicking my head back, stopping it just before I hit the wooden barn wall with it. I was planning to look up at the sky, but halfway there, my eyes stop, looking at something else instead.

Jess is standing there, a bit away from me, a worried look in her eyes. A few seconds pass since I saw her and I realise I forgot to breathe, I inhale as I see her slowly walk over to me, sliding against the barn wall to sit down next to me. 

“Demi, you ran away in such a rush… I was worried about you, are you okay?” She speaks way softer than she usually does, her soft tone disarming me, somehow making me feel calmer. I don’t have to worry about her judging me.

“Yeah, or I will be at least.” I swallow to try and get the nerves away, pulling at the wrist part of my long gloves again. “I just… I needed some fresh air, I’m not good with crowds and the mix of the noise, the people and… my weird emotions, it was making it hard to breathe in there.”

“Yeah, I can understand that, I could use some fresh air myself as well… and maybe a friend.” She gives a soft smile, I feel my heart melt, but can I truly talk about how I feel in a moment like this? “Is it… okay if I sit here with you for a little while?”

Her question takes me off guard, I take a moment to process it before quickly nodding. “Yeah, in fact, I’d love if you stayed for a while.” I blush lightly, and I catch a small blush forming on her face as well. I look ahead of us, giving myself a break from her face, and all the emotions she awakens in me.

“Thanks, I just had such hopes I wouldn’t have to deal with Jack today.” Jess sighs, letting her head fall back against the wall behind us.

“Who’s Jack? Did he do something to you?” I ask a bit worried. Is that my competition?

“He is an asshole… who I used to date.” Jess closes her eyes, a slight frown on her face. “He got it into his head somehow that he still has access to me and my body even though I dumped him half a year ago.” I notice how tense she is getting as she talks, but I don’t particularly know how to defuse the situation. 

“He sounds like an asshole, anything I can do to help?” It feels like such a stupid question, what am I gonna do, beat up a guy way taller and stronger than me?

“Thanks for the offer, but it’s fine. I told Makoto he’s here and… well, they are handling it.” She chuckled a bit. “If they get Raven involved, Jake is not gonna have a pleasant night.” She seems somewhat amused by the idea, it feels a bit weird, but prodding the subject further seems like a bad idea.

“So… you are… into men?” I don’t see a way to ask the question without getting awkward, but I also can’t handle ignoring it.

“I do, but I also like women, I’m bi,” she answers simply. My heart flutters a bit, she likes women too, but does it also include me? “Although,’ she continues, “recently, I kinda developed this… crush for this really cute girl, so right now I only really have eyes for her.” I feel my heart race faster than it ever has, and I have to put in a conscious effort to hide just how flustered I’m getting. “What about you?”

I turn to face her. “Me? You mean… what I like?” She nods her head simply in response, a small blush still on her face. “Well, you see…” I get nervous, I look away from Jess and rest my head against the wall, staring up at the sky as I try to find the right words. There are barely any clouds, and the stars are slightly visible, way more visible than you could see inside the city limits. “I am still figuring out what I like. I never really had crushes on boys, and I never really felt… like I wanted to date any of the boys I met, I tried to, but it never felt right. But recently, I met this super cute brunette and… she made me realise I’m a lesbian.”

A small silence falls over us, I wonder if she is thinking the same as me if things are as simple as we hope they are. Jess is the first to speak up and break the silence. “She sounds like a very wonderful woman.”

I nod, letting out a small content sigh, moving my hand to my cheek facing away from her, resting my head on my hand a bit. “She is. She is very kind, smart, and extremely beautiful. She just scares me a little, because how could a woman as amazing as her ever like someone like me?”

“I don’t think you have any reason to be scared, she’d be a very lucky girl to have you.” I blush a bit and clear my throat, not knowing how to respond, I try and take the attention away from myself.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many stars in the sky before, the light pollution in the city ruins the view every night.” I look at the stars, trying to see if I can recognize any of the constellations I read about online.

“I know, the biggest downside of the city is the night sky. I used to go on a camping trip with my grandma every year. We go so far out of the cities, if we are lucky and there aren’t any clouds, we can see the milky-way in the sky.

“That sounds wonderful, I used to live off quite far from the city limits, some old woodlands family house, but I can barely remember what the night sky looked like there, I moved to the city once I got adopted.” I sigh a bit, thinking back at my family struggles. “But… I can hardly imagine it, I mean, just look at how beautiful it is!”   
“Yeah, you really are.”

I feel an intense blush grow on my face as I turn my head and look down. Her bright green eyes focused on me, and my eyes focussed on hers. “What did you just say?” I ask softly, as a deep blush overwhelms her face.

“I said you are beautiful. Watching you watch the stars, I wished you looked at me with such wonder.” Her words make my heart beat in my throat, this overwhelming urge to get closer to her, to hold her grows more and more each moment we talk.

“You know, I look at the stars so much, because if I look in your eyes for just a second too long… I’ll never be able to look away.” I gently slide my hand closer to hers, my fingers gently resting on top of hers.

She is forced to look away, hiding her face in her hands. “Oh my, Demi, you can’t just say something like that.” I grow a bit worried, afraid I crossed a line somehow.   
“W-why not? What’s wrong?” I pull my hand away slowly, but before I can she grabs it for herself.

“Because, if you keep saying things like that, I might not be able to resist you any longer.” She turns again, her eyes focussed directly on mine, only for a second looking down to look at my lips as her own part ever so slightly.

I spend a while looking at her, trying to find the words as I feel her hand holding mine. My free hand shakes a bit as I lift it from its resting position, moving it slowly to Jess’ cheek. I spend a short moment looking at her, my eyes trailing down to her partially parted lips then back at her eyes, biting my own lip out of instinct before leaning in.

The sensation of her lips on mine fills me with a burning passion. I had imagined kissing her many times, but I never could have guessed it would feel so magical. I let it last for just a bit over a second before pulling away slowly, my eyes slowly open and I spot hers flutter open just after. 

“Sorry, I shouldn’t just-” I try to apologize for kissing her so abruptly, but before I can, she pulls me close and kisses me. My eyes fly closed as I enjoy her lips on mine, feeling Jess’ hand on the back of my head as she holds our heads close. My right-hand moves from her cheek slowly to her side. Her tongue gently pushes against my lips, more to test it out than to push through, but I open them anyway, letting her tongue slide inside of my mouth.

Making out with the girl I’ve been crushing on for weeks now, sitting in the dirt just outside a party is not how I imagined my first kiss would be like, but I see no reason to complain about the situation. I let out a soft whine when I feel Jess pull back slowly, but as both of our eyes open again and we look at each other, I can’t stop myself from smiling.

We both spend a moment thinking over the situation, I bite my lip, hoping to get a bit more of the taste of her lips. There is a question hovering in the air around us, but neither of us are really willing to ask it, but I manage to push past just this once. 

“Hey, Jess. I want you to know that I really like you, and I was hoping you’d go out on a date with me.” The nerves are practically killing me as I wait for her response, wishing deeply that I didn’t misread the situation this time, that what was on her mind is the same as what was on mine.

“I don’t have anything to do on Wednesday… and I know this great place we could meet up to have some drinks… just us two.” She blushes lightly, but I just smile brightly, I didn’t misread it.

“Hey um, why don’t I give you my phone number, then you can let me know where you want to meet.” I smile softly, hoping to make up for losing her phone number, hoping that if I act like I never saw it, she won’t think anything of it.

“Oh, right, yeah good idea.” She grabs her phone from her purse, unlocking it and handing it to me on the contacts page. “Here, can you type it in?” 

I smile, taking her phone and typing in my name and number, then handing it back to her, still smiling brightly.

We spend a moment in silence, enjoying the closeness, enjoying the moment together. Eventually, Jess stands up, letting go of my hand. “Hey, I need to go home soon, I got early plans tomorrow, but I might be able to call you in the evening if that’s fine with you.” 

I nod quickly, still sitting on the ground. “Yeah, I would love that, I can’t wait to hear more from you.” I smile softly, waving her goodbye as she walks back into the barn, vanishing from my sight and leaving me alone once again, but way happier this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading, this story is extremely important to me personally. I want to focus on another project for a short while, then return fresh to start part 2, and further explore Jess and Demi's developing relationship

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time publishing original work, and the first time writing NSFW. I hope I did well and that you all enjoyed reading.  
> any and all feedback is greatly appreciated


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